If you’ve taken psychedelics and your mind has been blown and you want to run into the street and tell everyone. Let’s talk first. This is my story. How can I help you?

OK, so I’ve been there. My mind has been blown. It’s epic. It’s life changing. But you are not cleared for takeoff, and if you go out and make all of these rash decisions based on that newfound awareness, there might be some consequences. Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t rush out and quit your job or something, but I have done those things, and it was rough, and I don’t know if I’d do it differently, but I think that education is important. There is a reason that in indigenous communities when a young person is showing signs of shamanism (that sounds hilarious I know it), an elder shaman will come and guide that young padawan, as best as he or she can. I’m not saying I’m that person, but in modern America, where Shamanism is effectively illegal, it can be a very dangerous place for such a flowering.

About 6 years ago, I started to microdose DXM. I did it during the day, not so much as to walk around like robo-the-clown, but enough to put me into a significant consciousness shift. I was able to see what was going on in my life, and I was not very amused. I worked as a computer engineer for a large, well known software company in Los Angeles. The reason I started to use DXM was not to touch God’s balls or something, it was because I was chronically depressed and suicidal, and I heard that Ketamine was being tested as an anti-depressant, and I knew that DXM and Ketamine were very similar substances. So, I started to use a small amount throughout the day. It was very effective. I finally had some space in my head, and for whatever reason, I was still able to do my rather challenging engineering work while taking it. That was the first splosion. (Pooof!)

After a while of taking DXM regularly, I noticed that I was pretty much transgender. Well, to put it a different way, I noticed that my gender was a huge hangup for me. I had been constantly confused about my sexuality and gender presentation since I was a boy, and the microdosing DXM made these things clearer because it muted the social fear. I had my next splosion (Pooof!) and I realized that I was transgender and needed to do something about it. OK, so now we’re rolling on the life revolution train here, two splosions strong.

I kept microdosing DXM because it was seriously helping my mental health. And I was full of fire and paranoia at this point thinking that basically everyone is a sleepwalking idiot, and no one examines themselves because they’re all terrified all the time, which is kind of true, but it’s more complicated than that. My ex wife had now taken me to court for custody of my two children, and this was a torturous experience. I was trying to live my life as the gender that I felt would keep me from wanting to kill myself, and I’m very glad I got through all of this stuff. It was wonderful stuff. But my life started to unravel. I began to drink alcohol again to deal with the social alienation. I’m not going to make this into some sort of morality play about addiction, but addiction is part of my story.

Now that I’m going two splosions strong, and I’ve been rejected from most of my family, I’m able to go even deeper with the psychedelic usage, and I start using even more DXM as well as other things. At this point DXM and I started to form some sort of weird symbiosis. Its effects changed, and it became more, well it’s really hard to explain, but I started to get these weird out of body effects and my chi field started to become very strong. It pulsed and swirled and vibrated around me like I was being transported in Star Trek. Splosion 3 (Pooof!). It was so weird, and I was able to manipulate this energy field, and project the energy out like a laser. I felt as though I was receiving a cosmic download. I started to talk about it too. I tried to tell people what was going on. This did not end well. I now post anonymously and have a split life because the consequences were very severe. I was assumed to be a crazed, schizophrenic druggie. At one point I was actually possessed by a higher intelligence, and my actions and speech was controlled by what I now know to be my atman, or higher self. But at the time, it was just crazyville to everyone around me. And, you won’t have the Bhagavad Gita memorized at this point, you’ll just know that something freaky is going on, and you need to tell people about it.

At the 3 splosion level, you very well might be hospitalized or given a diagnosis. I was given bipolar disorder with psychotic effects or maybe schizoaffective disorder depending on the doctor. They started me on meds that were so toxic that I became suicidal from the side effects of the meds. My life at this point was beyond confusing. I thought I was losing it. Who could I trust? Don’t they understand that there is all this stuff they don’t know?! No, they don’t. They don’t care. The system will shut. you. down. Scientific Materialism arose out of the end of the middle ages as an “antidote” to the problems associated with mysticism and spirituality. It is masterfully efficient at killing that spark. You will not go on YouTube and create a video that will spark a revolution at the 3 splosion level. There is a Zen proverb that says “Before I sought enlightenment, the mountains were mountains and the rivers were rivers. While I sought enlightenment, the mountains were not mountains and the rivers were not rivers. After I attained enlightenment, the mountains were mountains and the rivers were rivers.” At the 3 splosion level, rivers are not rivers. Your consciousness has been blown apart and scattered, but it will come back together. This is the Shamanic journey: You are born. You grow up some. Then you realize you need to make your consciousness for your own specific life, so you blow it up and take it apart. Then you put it back together. This is rebirth. But at the 3 splosion level, you are still blowed up, and let’s just say it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to be the Plato of 2017 and change all of human consciousness with your divinely given wisdom.

OK, so back to my story. My life was fucked. I lost my kids. I quit my job because I thought it was a bunch of corporate bullshit. I transitioned genders. I moved. My family was seriously tired of dealing with me. I became dependent on a friend for shelter. I wasn’t sure if I was God or if I was a broken android who couldn’t feed itself. This was the darkness. I was in and out of hospitals for over a year. I ended up living in my car.

And then… cohesion. It happened. It happened when I had a massive suicide attempt. I took 250 toxic pills. I thought that I was going to go to God or whatever. I thought that this planet was the worst. I wrote out a suicide note.

And then I read the note back to myself. It consisted of me telling everyone how fucked up they were, and how it was all their fault. It was petty. It was petulant. I was doing a real splosion, the sad kind, that would have wreaked havoc all over my family, friends, and children’s lives forever.

I had already taken the pills at this point. I was starting to get diarrhea as my body desperately tried to reject the poison. I sat there and thought “I’m not enlightened. I’m an asshole.” And splosion 4 (pooof!).

I called 911. I got into a great inpatient treatment program. They helped me get my life back on track. I quit using all substances for like 9 months. I got a job. I learned to take care of myself. Eventually, I started using DXM again, but it’s different now. It’s just a simple consciousness booster. I quit drinking for good. I rarely smoke weed anymore. And something is different.

When I sat in that room and read that suicide note back to myself, I saw a literal demon in my belly. He’s still there. He’s my ego. He can be a real bastard. So I stopped listening to his bullshit. And when that happened, a flower bloomed in my heart. You can call it Christ, or Krishna or Buddha, but it’s there. It came that night, and it didn’t leave. I’m still a complicated person. I have to watch my behaviors, but there is a lotus in my heart now. And it throbs with kindness and joy. I have peace.

I have almost nothing materially. I’m super in debt. I live in a place with way too many roommates. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I found my peace. Now I just want to be happy and kind.

So, if anyone here is suffering through the splosions, let me know. Maybe I can help. Maybe I can’t. Love is real. It is a rose that blooms in your heart. And when it flowers you will be as a little child, forever at play.

When I die and go up north

When I die and go up north
to the old black heaven in the sky
after wailing and burning here on Earth
there will be a room of congregation
where all us people
who spent our time languishing
in dirty one rooms
obscured by being just slightly different
in just the right amount of ways
in this room we’ll all just get together and laugh
and remember the cats that kept us company
and the oil paints and old beat up guitars
and scraps of paper with magic words
scribbled on them
and we’ll sing our songs for the others
and they’ll paint our caricatures
and a sonnet will capture the scene
when I die and go up north
to the old black heaven in the sky

Is this really “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?!” What is the purpose of this Christmas?

So let’s talk about Christmas, the granddaddy holiday of capitalistic excess and pleasure seeking. It’s all around us, but what does it mean?

Christmas, in Christian terms, is the JJ Abrams style reboot of the perennial celebration that has occurred as far back as we are aware around the globe. At this time of year in the northern hemisphere the sun has reached its lowest point, and it rises the least high that it will rise for the year on December 21st. This is the shortest day and longest night of the year. This date is significant for a myriad different reasons, but the most basic reason is that because the sun is so low in the sky, unsurprisingly, it is very cold. Because of the seasonal drop in temperature, the average life of a human on planet Earth in the northern hemisphere gets much more difficult.

So this is *the* hard time of the year, as far as our material needs are concerned. I thought this was “the most wonderful time of the year!” It is easy to believe the saccharine whispers that waft around you in the corporate feeding lines known as supermarkets and drugstores that “Christmas is awesome!” But, really it’s not. This is a hard time of the year for everyone, and the reason that we historically celebrate the winter solstice festivals is to combat that difficulty. It is an attempt to shine a bright light of hope in the darkness so that we might remember that easier times are only months away!

But in modern terms, Christmas is more of a forced, hedonic orgy of wide smiles and manic searching eyes and shouts of “Everything is Fine!!” “Everything is Wonderful!!!” When, it clearly isn’t. Christmas is a modern sacrificial rite where the plebes buy as much shiny, stupid, useless crap that won’t be interesting 10 minutes after its opened in order to appease the Corporate Gods of Commerce, the holy-deities-on-high.com. We buy it for the Great Directors of Purpose (GDP), and if we don’t, well then they’re only going to have to shine even more nauseating commercials into every available sense organ in your body. We’ll stimulate submission out of you yet!

In a weird way, the Christians are right when they say that the reason of the season is Christ. There is a tiny candy corn of truth in the giant bowel movement known as modern Christianity. Christianity was originally a solar religion. Christ is the sun. This is not to say that Jesus is a giant orb of Hydrogen, Helium, and fusion created electrons pulsing at the center of the solar system, even though that would be pretty badass if it were true. The sun represents something in us. The sun gives life to this planet. Without the sun we’d be offlin…

Jesus, the “sun” of God, was born on December 25th. When the sun hits its lowest point on December 21st, it appears to sit at that lowest level for 2 or 3 days, and then it gets moving again. It appears to hang in the sky, and in much more ignorant times, many might have thought that it was possible that the sun would never come back. But, the sun is a really nice dude, and like an indie band after a night of playing songs that no one knows, it comes back for an encore with the song that you know by heart. Here comes the sun! It’s coming back! Yay! It’s risen from the dead! This song is way better than their last single!

December sucks. I hate to break it to you. It’s so fucking dark all the time. You have to learn to ice skate just to get to your car. The power goes out because the giant ice monster has descended on your hapless burg to grinch the fuck out of your life. And just imagine how these trifles would have seemed to your ancestors of even just 200 years ago. It’s only very recently that December has become semi-reasonable. It used to be the monthly equivalent of your phone exploding in your pocket. I believe there is a story in the bible where some guy, the month guy, was talking to Jesus, when Jesus asked:

“Is this a good month?”

“Well as long as it’s not December Jesus, why do you ask?”

“It’s December”

“Oh sweet Jesus we’re fucked”

And that is the lessons folks. No, wait I didn’t give the lesson yet. Ahh! The lesson is that shit is really hard this time of year, so we humans have a tradition of getting together to support each other and be nice to each other in spite of all the darkness and depravity that is all around us. It’s the time of year where we get together and cheerlead the fuck out of hope. Because, the sun is rising! The new dawn will come. In the midst of all this death, putrefaction, and decay, the new reality emerges from within the cocoon, a flower in a roiling swamp, whose blossom will be born again.

So remember that it’s ok that things are tough right now. Life is a waveform, it goes up and down. We use this time of year where the “down” is so apparent to serve as a grand reminder that there is always hope. We might be hanging upside down in the devil’s cage, but soon our people will regale the new born age. Be well.


There are some, whose fates are straight as arrows flying
never turning, lonely plodding
and their speed is marked in stolid stone
Then those others there are whom I know
whose gods having made their paths like serpents curved
arranged in strange caduceuses glowing

Bathe the fires in your heart
ride the elements within your subtle knowing
be the beast your karma has been sowing
gaily like a dragon skip
to the ruined Albion beneath your pallid skin
raise some rusted sword you find discarded
for in your Adam, even Eve is lovely kissed

Some are straight, it’s true
but we’ve been blessed with all these curves
for after trudging up the lows and down the highs
we the free gave up and learned to fly

One comment

My Ode to /r/Psychonaut

Over the last 5 years or so, my consciousness has gone through a giant growth spurt. Psychedelics and wisdom traditions have been the fertilizer that has nourished my nascent expansive consciousness. I have said and done some totally wacko things online and in real life. In retrospect what appeared to have been insane at the moment actually fit into a larger pattern of growth and development. In this respect, I believe that it’s important that we unfetter ourselves enough so that our inner tree can really thrive and grow with verve and gusto!

Being able to post on /r/Psychonaut has given me a spiritual musical instrument of communication that I can wail away on in order to understand what the hell is going on inside of me. In the past I censored many of my posts because they were just too “out there.” But now, I tend to let it all hang out, and I believe it’s been to my advantage in terms of spiritual/psychological growth.

Psychonaut is a very special place on the Internet. The Internet has been overrun with quite a lot of negativity and fear. Negativity and fear have their place, but it’s wonderful that there is a place where we can really just barf up our experiences in hopes of understanding them, because when you are a consciousness, understanding your own consciousness is the hardest feat of all. We need a mirror that is clean and objective. We need to be able to do our experiments in consciousness and personal alchemy with a reasonable amount of tolerance and understanding.

And you know what? This sub has that. It’s pretty fucking awesome. We should be proud of ourselves! So when there’s that guy who’s posting while on DMT and Acid and saying “the core of the core is the core!! It’s all cores!!” I’m gonna celebrate that guy, cause I’ve been that guy, or girl. 🙂 The inside of my mind is the strangest thing I can imagine, and that’s so cool! Fuck, life would be boring if our minds were just linear number crunching processors.

I’ve cross posted things on other “spiritual” subs and gotten completely different reactions, some good, some bad. Usually the other subs are more restrained and critical. In this sub, I’ve had some of the most positive and glowing reactions, and I want to bow in obeisance to that energy. We tend to think that being “spiritual” is sitting and being controlled and calm. I suppose there is time for that, but right now I’m totally feeling the explosive geyser of positivity reaction.

Much love I humbly send out there to thee
Consumer of my paean to our sublime community

True Peace of Mind and Happiness Comes From Within and Not From Whoever is Elected President.

Hi friends. I know that the current narrative in this country is that we should all bite our nails and pace in nervous anticipation of the coming apocalypse or coronation based on our own personal worldview. However, there is another viewpoint. One must remember that life is fundamentally defined by the existence of disappointment. There is absolutely no escape from pain in this world. The world, sadly, is always going to let you down in some way, shape, or form. It might be your ice cream falling off of your cone, or it might be the institution of dystopian fascism from a reality TV star.

However! There is escape from suffering. Suffering is different than pain. Suffering is the fiery hot friction that is created when we try and eliminate pain from our lives. We think that pain is something that can be eliminated, so we go to work trying to banish it from our world for all time! Now this is not to say that we should not try and avoid pain and disappointment. No, we have a brain for a reason, so that when we experience pain, we can try to not experience it again. However, we have to resign ourselves to the fact that there will be disappointment in life. There will be pain.

But this is OK! It really is. From a personal standpoint, my life has been incredibly difficult and painful. I’m a member of a particularly despised minority group, and growing up that way has led to all kinds of very painful occurrences in my life. I won’t go into the nitty gritty, but it’s been a tough climb. But now, through a deep understanding and personal practice, I am liberated, mostly, from suffering. It is just silly to me to think that I have to get upset about the shit that life throws at me.

How did I do that? Well, it’s pretty fucking complicated. I’ve worked to remake myself on a core spiritual level. I really don’t want to go into the details. But a lot of it is stuff you read about in this sub all the time. Meditation works. Ritual works. Wisdom works. Psychedelics work. Love works. God, or whatever you want to call it, works.

Be strong my friends. And smile! There is so much beauty and wonder in the world. And the Gods are laughing up a storm about the world. We don’t have to say “if only we had socialism, I’d be happy” or “if only school was free, I’d be happy” or “if only people were actually nice to each other, I’d be happy.” Happiness is a faucet that turns on from within. And when you turn it on, you get baptized with beauty. I’m not talking about the kind of baptism where you get a free, cold bath by a weird priest, no, I’m talking about the real baptism of the soul. The kind that happens when you stop resisting and start embracing life. Treat life like a crazy cool friend that is trying to show you something awesome and GO WITH IT. You will be amazed! It’s fucking awesome! I literally smile and dance all the time. I’m not walking on water, but compared to the sad-sack misery machine I used to be, I am doing profoundly better.

Love is DEFINITELY possible. Don’t worry if King Cheeto gets elected. You live in a land of very sad and angry people, but you don’t have to be one of them. They will try and drag you down when you decide to rise above, but stay strong. Be well. Life is waiting to throw a party in your honor, but you have to show up, and you have to be excited to attend.


Reality, you trickster! You almost had me for a minute. Then I remembered to laugh!

Oh 2016. Hahaha! The world has been very much trying to prove to us that it is permanent, when those of us in the know realize that it is all just an impermanent cycle that has been repeating for all time.

“But Donald Trump is extra scary!!!” OK, maybe he is extra threatening to my body, that doesn’t mean I can’t laugh at him with the truth that I’ve seen this all before. Life is defined by dukkha, a Buddhist/Indian concept which I like to translate as disappointment. The world is going to let you down, but that has always been and always will be in this realm, and that is not a problem! Liberation from suffering, which is the hot friction that is created when we try to remove pain and dissatisfaction from the world, is definitely possible in spite of disappointment.

I like to do a sort of strange yoga pose that is slightly Western. I assume the position of a cross with my body. I spread my arms out wide horizontally, and I stand very tall. I imagine all of the tricksters and bullies of the world booing and throwing rotten tomatoes at me, and I smile at it. I smile broadly with the knowledge that I determine my happiness and not them. And then I usually begin to laugh at the silliness of fear. Hahaha!

Oh my friends, smile with the deep knowledge of enlightenment whether or not you think you are enlightened or not. Remember that the light comes from within and not from without. Turn the flashlight on inside, and let it shine forth to a sometimes dark world. Be bold in your knowledge of the reality of dukkha and dissatisfaction and the truth of our liberation from suffering. Pain will be there. Smile at it. Be nice to it. Welcome it.

And have great gratitude for everything, not just the “good.” The world is achingly beautiful and funny. We are so blessed with our existence. Be well. 🙂

People will begin to become very telepathic. It will happen quickly. The shift is happening. I can see it on the astral plane. I am doing my best to understand and be able to communicate what is going on on a basic level.

Climbing Mountains in the Magick Kingdom: The Story of My Consciousness Ascending. Part 1


Please be very suspicious and skeptical of this post. I welcome it. I would not be where I am spiritually without examining everything. I have been pursuing my mystical/spiritual/occult path since I was 17 or so. I’m 36 now. I won’t go into all of the details; there are far too many to put into one Reddit post. This is not a comprehensive account. Many details are not included, but I hope that it might provide a light for others to use on their own paths. This text is merely a recounting of the “breakthrough” experiences.


When the lotus flower blooms within your heart, you know. When the dragon of the Tao flies around your being, you know. When the divine baptizes you in its heavenly waters, you know. I know that something has happened in me. I have been touched by a light that I cannot fully comprehend, but I know that it is real. I have been made free in the light and water of eternity. I am now able to understand and communicate what has happened to my consciousness.

I believe that I am alive to teach what I have learned. I believe that the present age is one where knowledge that was once secret is now ready to be disseminated to the masses. I have climbed up the ladder to see God only to have him turn me around to face humanity. I want to share the joy and freedom from suffering that I now live. I don’t pretend to be anything other than a human. I am a child of God, nothing more.

In August of 2015, after about a year of daily deep meditation combined with near daily micro-dosing of Dextromethorphan, I experienced a form of rebirth which altered my life completely. At that time, I was not doing “well.” I was acting quite strangely, at least that was my perception because I was doing things of which I had no frame of reference or “guru” to guide me. After 5 years of micro-dosing with Dextromethorphan on a near daily basis, transitioning from male gender to presenting as a female, becoming totally estranged from family due to my “anti-social” behavior, becoming homeless, suffering through addiction, being  diagnosed with numerous mental health concerns, being buried in resentment, and being totally absorbed with fear, something changed. I definitely can’t explain it, but I feel that I have been touched my the light within and above. I have “atoned” or become one with deities or archetypes that have completely altered my conception of reality.

If you understand Qabalah, I believe that I was able to elevate my consciousness vibration to the level of Tifaret and Chesed and then to Da’at. The story begins in August of 2015.


The first experience I want to communicate was a radical “rebirth” where I began to feel as though I was 3 years old for a week or so. It was psychologically liberating. I was able to smile as I hadn’t since I was a small child. Growing up being bullied because of my different gender and sexuality taught me from a very young age that I had to hide my joy, lest its expression be seen by those who wished to persecute me. But, last year I was able to be as a small child for at least a week. I used “little kid talk” as a language. I was thoroughly enamored of reality and the absolute novelty of existence. Everything was incredibly special and new. I was able to function as an “adult,” but I had extraordinary sense of youth.

This experience, however, faded because I didn’t understand what it meant. My understanding now is better, and I can now call on that child any time that I want and live in the innocent joy of an unspoiled human. I truly agree with the position of Jesus in the Gospels who said “unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” (I’m definitely not trying to advocate Christianity here. I know it is a touchy subject. I’m not a Christian, but I see wisdom in the scriptures.)


The next thing that happened to me was the experience of being “visited by God.” At the time, my perception of God or gods was rather simplistic. I didn’t understand that God is one, and its light is refracted through the prisms of experience. But, one day, I was just hanging out in my house when I “got a message” from what I presume is my Holy Guardian Angel that “God was incoming.” OK, well, I have a very active imagination, so I just went with it. What happened next changed me completely.

I was visited by or joined with the spirit of Zeus. That was what I called it. That was the mythological framework that worked best for me at the time. I am a transgender woman, so I am quite effeminate or feminine, but for about a week, I was possessed with a very strong masculinity. I “knew” that Zeus was with me. I could see him in my third eye. He was so joyous and liberated. He was the father that I always longed for. He laughed at fear. He was joy. It was truly special. I learned that mercy was real. I learned that God is not a tyrant. My conception of the divine was irrevocably altered for the better. I was also given the knowledge of the myth of Aquarius, where Zeus abducts Ganymede to be his lover. This affirmed for me that the Zeus deity was bisexual and not judgmental about my gender and sexuality. Learning this and interacting with this deity gave me a beautiful closure on my struggles with gender and sexuality. I knew that my gender was sacred, and I knew that God was accepting.

At one point during this encounter with the Zeus energy I was told that “you are the God of Jupiter.” At the time, I was quite confused by this. Was I an incarnation of Zeus? Now, I understand it as that if you raise your consciousness vibration to the level of the gods, you become one with the gods, and you become god. There is a paradox existent here in that I am just a material person on Earth, but when we truly go to the gods, we become the gods. In reality, the gods are archetypal, macrocosmic emanations of our own possibility. It is not that we are here, and the gods are there. We are larva, working to grow and metamorphose into our god forms. This Material world is but an egg or a womb, and we will, sooner or later, learn to fly away from it. The Material world is the “Mater (Mother in Latin)” world. And the “Sky Father” (which is the literal translation of Zeus into English) is the father that catches us as we are born out of the womb onto the spiritual plane.

I love Zeus. Zeus is wonderful. I have that quality in me now, and I love myself and my being all the more so because of it. May you find Jupiter or Zeus because he is a wonderful friend to those desperately in need of one. He is kindness, mercy, and joy.


The third experience of fall 2015 that has guided me to here was a “vision” I received. After I had been “reborn” as a small child and become one with “Zeus,” I was in my house, doing nothing out of the ordinary, when I felt the impulse to spread my arms wide as if I was on a cross. Instantaneously I was transported to a dreamlike reality.

The first part of the vision is a little spotty as I was adjusting to what was going on. The message was that I was to interact and teach in the community, but it was quite general. I could see the community as from above, and I had the feeling that I was providing some sort of guidance.

My arms were still wide apart in the material realm, but in my vision, I was then on a cross flying in front of a multitude of thousands of hyper-masculine “bullies” who laughed at me, derided me, and threw things at me. It was as if I was being crucified in a stadium. It was supposed to be “terrifying” but I had a calmness and peace of mind, and I knew that I should take the insults and smile back with great joy. I did this. I held my hands out fully and took everything they had to give.

Next, I noticed that my body split into two. My perception moved upwards like a drone overseeing a scene, and my material body fell down into the masses of people below me. I watched as they tore my body apart. Ripping limb from limb, they consumed my physical body. And as they did, I floated upward. I was now “high above everything,” and I saw what appeared as a Christ figure that looked like “Buddy Christ” moving around not as a being but as a statue. I recently wrote a piece on my usage of Buddy Christ on Reddit.com/r/Occult.

While I was “up in heaven” (which is the best phrase I can use) I saw a cross that looked like an X, and a flower bloomed out of the middle of it. This is my best representation of that symbol. After I saw that symbol, I floated up further and was amongst the angels and was given armor for my body.

At this point, I opened my eyes, and the vision was over.


So now it’s 2016. In January of 2016, I went to rehab after a suicide attempt and near death experience. I swallowed 250 pills in hopes of escaping the surly bonds of this mortal coil. I was committed to ending the tragedy that was my life. But, thankfully this was the nadir of my sadness, and I survived, because of an awakening I experienced during that attempt. I wrote a suicide note, as my body was slowly being overtaken by the poisons within, and I read the note back to myself. The suicide note consisted of me blaming everyone else for my problems and throwing acid anger at those I loved. I had an epiphany. I looked down, and I saw the image of the Zoroastrian deity Ahriman within me. I realized that I wasn’t enlightened. I realized that I was the asshole. I realized that I was just a spoiled kid throwing a tantrum about being alive. I felt so silly. It wasn’t shame. It was Aha! “The problem is inside of me!”

After this, I couldn’t escape the fact that I actually like to be alive. From that moment, I stopped lying to myself. I gave up on the pity party bullshit of “life is terrible” and “everybody’s out to get me.” I realized that I was just creating a giant mess of karmic shit by not facing reality. I definitely needed help, and I got it, and I learned that I loved having problems. Luckily, mine were so bad that I was exorcised of the desire to have “issues.” I am quite grateful for my “shitty” experiences, because through suffering and pain, I learned what really matters. And within my heart, a flower started to bloom. Call it Christ Consciousness or Buddha Nature, but it definitely was there and still is.


So now, most of that vision has come true. But, I can only write so much at a time. I’ll get to that in Part 2. Thank you for your time, and remember that the entire universe is rooting for you. All of this is a wonderful play. Throw your fears away as if they were hot irons burning your hands, and embrace what life gives you. Celebrate existence!

Anyway, talk to you soon my friends. Be well.

rehab laundry

Walking the halls of rehab
after the crashes
the sullen mug shots next to each room
salute the scary present
almost everyone is gone to an event
the detox tumbleweeds skip by

Maybe this is the beginning
in an old converted hotel in downtown Portland
writing from the second floor
last night a woman in the building next door
screamed help for twenty minutes straight
nobody took her seriously

The crack smoking homeless man
with a voice like a robot with a tracheotomy
is back tonight outside our windows
he’s entertaining invisible friends with a story
and we can’t help but laugh
even though we know it’s sad

We’re sad people
making happy faces
but some of us can’t hold on
they explode on random days like colorless fireworks
and the smoke just blows away
no band plays
no one applauds
it’s the night before Easter
and Jesus is still dead

Redemption and resurrection always play like fairy tales
you have to take a chance on crazy to believe them
and crazy is very unfashionable
people are loaded up on stupefying medications
so they don’t appear crazy

Crazy is crazy, but sanity is death
so you load up on Percocet, alcohol, and meth
and sing to the sirens to take you away
and end up in rehab alone with the brave