Category: Spirituality

Allow yourself to hate your oppressor

On some level you have to let yourself hate the oppressors. As a transwoman I’m like “oh hey oppressor!” It’s always there. But privilege obscures the oppressor for a lot of people, so they have trouble fighting it. But I assure you it’s there and it doesn’t care about you, and it’s working day and night to keep you disempowered. I don’t recommend rage against the oppressor necessarily, but I do recommend disdain and disgust, because it is sick and depraved and without conscience. Know thy oppressor. Die to the fear of the oppressor and realize it’s actually weak like the wizard of oz, all show and bark. Eventually it will fall. I think I know how, and it’s my life mission to destroy the oppressor. It’s a jihad at this point. When you’re politically persecuted for things you were born with, either you work tirelessly to destroy your oppressor, or you lose a sense of personal respect. And by working tirelessly, I don’t mean being unbalanced. I just mean not stopping, always trying to learn how to destroy it. And I know how. And we will destroy it together.

Good Spirituality Causes Pain

If your spirituality doesn’t lead to pain, it’s just a distraction. Being “spiritual” just means being pain tolerant, which is a kind of real freedom and power. It’s not magic. It only seems magic because most people are pain avoidant and therefore pain intolerant and therefore trapped in the comfortable areas of life. I think good art should cause pain too, hence why art is so boring and predictable right now. We’ve been running from pain for so long we’ve forgotten how holy and wonderful pain is.

It’s so absurd when you get through catching up with all the pain you avoided and realize feeling the pain was the answer. It’s just that feeling pain tends to drive people to change and that just won’t do for the owners. So they convince us that pain is horrible and terrible, and we buy it along with their million different kinds of painkillers. It’s so dumb OMG. Painkillers are alright if you need them to survive but you’ll have to feel that pain eventually. And all that pain we’ve run from is hiding at the end of time, waiting to say hi. I know that sounds morbid and crazy, but I’ll take life in high definition, not with a bunch of crazy filters on it. Yeah it’s hard, now, but there is no escape. If you’ve been through the pain, congrats! I knew there was a reason I liked you! 🤣

When I write this stuff now I expect loathing on some level but this is what I’ve found. And dumping a bunch of sugar on the message doesn’t work, at least I don’t believe. And honestly I really believe that all of the social chaos we are seeing is just painkiller addiction. Painkillers like drugs, money, media, fantasy, money, money, did I mention money? 🤣 Drug addicts are lucky because they get called addicts (which they are) by bigger addicts like stockbrokers and billionaires, so they have to do the work to face their pain. Billionaires yeah they’ll just have to pay with some awful hellish existence until they get all the pain they need.

Pain Is God, God Is Pain, Try To Run, Never Escape It

When the painkillers stop working, you have to go on a journey that the pain demands you go on. Pain is God, you can never win, it will come back tenfold if you avoid it. You can try if you want. You most definitely can avoid pain for a long time but you move away from safety. You can wear sunglasses that put a filter over everyone’s face that you see making them smile at you when they aren’t, but you’ll get fucked up by someone, and you’ll need sunglasses that put a filter over the whole world soon, and you’ll be Gollum with his ring, lost, alone, running from pain in a cartoonish hell.

Psychedelics actually amplify pain to help you process it faster and get closer to God; this is how they make people “more spiritual.” When people say to me “you’re so spiritual!” I’m like yeah I’ve had a lot of pain and I’ve amplified it quite a bit, and I made changes until it stopped happening. For example, I took psychedelics and realized my pain was connected to my repressed gender, and I went on a ten year journey to integrate that part of myself, and it was miserable but also sublime. If that’s being spiritual, then fine.

Our choice to base our society on comfort is largely centered around an avoidance of pain. The ancients knew that this was just postponing the inevitable, and they also knew that the longer you wait to confront pain, the greater the fire one has to go through to get out of pain. So at the end of time is an all-consuming fire that is the sum of all buried pain through time. This will result in many long hells for most people. No hell is forever, but some hells are very long.

If you want to avoid having a hell smack you in the face, I would advise getting off the cheap painkillers you are on be they sugar, fast food, TV, opiates, alcohol, casual sex, meds, etc etc etc. We all know what they are. Face stark reality and then amplify it with psychedelics including cannabis and decide to go where you need to go, by yourself if you have to. There is a voice with the pain that will direct you if you are not putting up 10 layers between yourself and your pain. You can get cleaned out and purified this way, and you’ll just not be injuring yourself and covering it up with filters anymore.

Most people won’t do this, but I advise it from experience, from my visions, and from my conversations with the high voice. I know most won’t listen. But I am safe now, at least from horrible, mind-bending  pain. I still use painkillers sometimes. They are not evil. If you are in the middle of winter and your survival depends on getting something done or you die, you put off pain for a bit and then deal with the increased pain later. This is why fasting in Abrahamic faiths happens in the spring, to connect one with one’s pain directly, to catch up. They knew that if a society drifted too far from where pain wants you to be that the society might fail.

I’m mostly resigned to dying a Cassandra. I’ve shared what I’ve seen. I understand how unfashionable these words are, but I have gone to God through a wall of pain, and God was and is there. Now I have peace in my heart, but I am different than most people. I probably identify most with certain poor and oppressed peoples who will be much better off when the wall of fire comes. The rich have been dumping their pain on the poor for millennia, thinking it was gone. Oh no, you just saved a lot of poor brown people from hell who will now be watching you from heaven. No peace without the price.

The firewall against pain is already cracking and pain is getting through. I have a natural tolerance for pain now, so meh, whatever. It’s not fun but it’s not hard. But I see everyone around me with their eyes getting wider every day. You can call this some sort of mystical apocalypse, but it’s just “don’t wear filters over your senses too long or you’ll end up over a cliff without a parachute.” Any fool knows that we just pay people a ton of money to lie to us and confuse us so we can stay pain avoidant. It’s not that complicated. Pain avoidance is complicated, you’d need a huge, overblown, overheating system of consumer capitalism to do, oh wait, yeah you know that.

I’m just a messenger. I just report what I see. I’m sure you’ll avoid me but if you could not kill me that would be fantastic. We know what humans do to anyone who tries to tell people this eternal truth. But no big deal. I’ve already died. At least I know I won’t be afraid until I die.

The religion of the future

Punk is a new religious movement discovered by African Americans and will be the religion of the future. Punk is more than punk rock. Punk is radical honesty. Punk is radical accountability. Punk is accepting your shadow. Punk is not running from pain. Fight a punk jihad against corrupt authority. Save the planet and the decent people. Go forward into the fire and use art to process your pain. Don’t listen to the misinformation and the sirens trying to lure you away from your pain. Pain is God talking to you through your body. The longer we wait to confront our problems the more fire we have to go through to survive. One day the privilege will run out. It’s best to make the transition now as it will be way worse then. At least now you can get ahead of the chaos and work out your problems before the wall hits. The war is here already. Only the strong will make it. I don’t know the way for everybody, but I made the transition myself, you can too. There are many others on the other side. Make your transition and save your soul, then we will destroy capitalism, free the prisons, break the will of the profligate industrialists, and restore harmony to the world. It will happen as God and Goddess want us to be free.

And no, punk is not an aesthetic. PUNK IS NOT AN AESTHETIC. If you think it is, you’re a clown. Punk is holy, and most people are not punks.

Go backpacking into the wildness within, return with the gods we thought were long dead

Most culture is a painkiller that deadens the feeling that one’s power is slowly slipping away, melting to water, evaporating into nothing. As our power diminishes, we create all kinds of digital multiplicities as a narcotic. We toil and research trying to find the root cause of our malaise, but we cannot see it.

The reason we are weak is because when humans are young they cut themselves off from large portions of themselves, the wild parts of themselves. On the inside, we retreat into our cities the same way we have in the external world. The most populated internal cities are in the mind. Certain wild, mystical, primal, and often feminine ways of being are admonished and policed out of ourselves by ourselves. And most people never go to the wild places. They pride themselves on avoiding them, saying that only “lower” groups, idiots, and insane people go to those wild places.

But, if we do not stay away from the wildness within, we are punished, alienated, castigated, and ultimately instructed to only be half of who we are or less. What I learned in my gender transition and psychedelic exploration was that I had walled off those parts of myself. The body is still considered unintelligent and animal as a hangover of Christianity and the subsequent Cartesian revolution of mind identification. So we don’t even look at or listen to it, outside of trying to dominate it into whatever the mind wants. The body must be listened to. Chronic pain disorders are, a large part at least, the body yelling at the mind to change.

Going to the wild areas within as an adult will save your soul, but it could also destroy you. Having edited out our wildness for so long, we have extreme difficulty when we see those parts of ourselves. We might overreact and go mad, becoming violent and deranged. But these parts of ourselves MUST be integrated. There is no choice. There is no alternative. There is no safe area where everything is predictable and ordered. That is the lie of our civilization. We forget that the wildness built our world in tandem with the clinical mind.

And now, watching the same movies get remade a hundred times, hearing the music which does not found fresh, seeing the art which is derivative, we wonder why life has become monotonous and repetitive. But we do not know that the banner over the doorway to the world we now inhabit said “PREDICTABILITY IS SAFETY, ORDER IS SANITY, LEAVE YOUR WILDNESS AT THE DOOR”

If you seek salvation, intoxicate yourself until you are mad, to see that madness is the queen of all sanity. Push beyond your limits until you are deranged. Fast until you see visions. Endure pain until you are broken. Scream with impunity until your voice is hoarse. You don’t have to do these things all the time, that is an equal madness, but it is in the extremes that the gods are found. You will very likely return to a more verdant sanity after integrating your wildness, even a little bit.

Tear the tape, cut the chains

If you can’t break the law
you won’t see God
because whatever God is, it’s illegal
and so is truth
but now we are safe
and predictable
the tree of the knowledge of good and evil
has been eaten to death
a barren desert expands forever
where Eden once lived
but inside each of us is a well of pure water
with chains and yellow police tape
stretched across it saying
and the prophets said
when God is outlawed
only outlaws will know God
and so when the zombies come
to put the chains back over the well
after they have left
I will take out my bolt cutter secret drugs and rituals
my hormones and sacrilege
and get back to drawing water

Caterpillars and humans can find an extra dimension to become so much more

When a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly, it adds an entire new dimension to its world. It had X and Y, now it has a vertical Z axis to fly up into. Modern spirituality is often like this, it’s not really fathomable to the person only working with 2 dimensions of movement. It is a radically different perspective, like suddenly being 100ft taller than everyone. You might be the same person, but you see what others don’t.

If you are the butterfly talking to the caterpillar you cannot describe the view from the sky, but you can detail the steps you took to metamorphosize. There is a way to become a butterfly; there always has been. It is illegal however. And it is highly stigmatized. We live in the land of anti-Butterfly caterpillars.

Spirituality is just inner strength, soul power, the ability to persevere a difficult external environment. Most people are outer strength focused. They want their external world to support them no matter their inner strength level. They wish to remain larval inside, because growth is painful, so their world is one big life support machine.

You can see how people outside of the comfortable life support machine neighborhoods tend to have more “soul.” That’s because they fucking have to. It’s not that they’re a “spiritual people” or some other nonsense like that. They either have inner soul power to persevere and persist, or death from being on the edge all the time.

Most people will stay larval. We used to be so much more, flying to the sky.

Losing privilege in a privileged world

When you suddenly lose a lot of privilege, participating in white American society can suddenly seem quite dangerous, like dancing on a frozen lake when you’re the only one without a life preserver on. For a long time after my transition started, I desperately wanted to stay in my privilege, but I kept getting into really precarious situations with no one to help. I had to learn deep down that I could not be so carefree anymore. It’s hard not to be triggered by the messaging of white American society now, because it feels like constant lies. But I know that if you have privilege, it’s not lies, you are just able to live like a child and get away with it.

There has been this battle within me for years, but I finally had to put my old privileged self to death. I also had to stop identifying with white American people, thinking I could help them, but I can’t really help them. I also don’t care if white American society fails, because I don’t see it as a natural thing based on virtue. From my personal experience, I had to be highly repressive and self-denying to gain access to the privileged world. This informs me that it’s not a real world, it’s more like a summer camp that thinks it’s the real world. It is not self-sustaining. Otherwise why would it be so dependent on stealing from other cultures by force?

Anyway, I could go on. I have some idea what it’s like to be a black person in the US, and honestly it’s horrifying and sick. So I don’t really see the point of walking around smiling and trying to convince everyone I’m “living my best life” or some other over-compensating nonsense. I have peace in my heart because I’m not repressing myself so much. So I am just trying to be humble and trying to survive with a simple life. I don’t know what the future holds. But I do know I’ve had to deeply change as a result of my transition, and I also tried to hold onto my privilege through relationships that were not high quality, so that has to go as well. I just have to accept that I’m on the outside. It’s fine, there are others out here in the sober and dry reality. And I know that when I post things like this lots of people still in their privilege will try to save me or throw slogans at me so they feel better. Being outside of the gate to the land of privilege requires massive boundaries, but it’s real and I prefer it.

Is white culture unoriginal and uncreative by design? Does white society farm out creativity to other captive cultures because it can’t be creative itself?

I’m cursed to be a philosopher, so I’m going to post this essay here to see what y’all think. Otherwise it would just go in my diary with the other countless philosophical essays I write and shelve because I don’t want to totally alienate myself . The following might not be original, but really it’s just me working out my own estrangement from the white cultural values of my youth. The further away from white puritanical Christian ways of being, the more creative I’ve become, so I’m trying to understand it better. Here’s what I wrote today:

My new pet theory is that white European/American culture outsources creativity and attacks creativity within itself as a result of Puritanism run amok over millennia. Although I see this impulse based on Christianity, there is a secular puritanism that has replaced Christianity that I believe is still uncreative at its core. I can’t unsee modern white society as this never changing parasite that depends on other cultures to adapt to the now. You’re probably white, so I write this not to judge but to hopefully inform with the intention of helping. I see how white culture hypothetically wants to be this detached mental process, pure logic, without grounding, because it wants to never be challenged by surprises. Control hates surprises by definition.

Creativity is messy, challenging, and always surprising, so it is looked down upon in the control seeking culture of my birth. Creativity is also quite feminine, another negative from the perspective of white patriarchal power. Then if a white person actually connects with their inherent creativity they seemingly are feared and rejected as dangerous. I can see a future step in this process as having brown people be surrogates for white babies because white women are so estranged from their creativity. I use the term white loosely because there are lots of racially white people that are truly creative but I think they almost have to be kicked out of white society to be truly creative. In effect I’m defining whiteness as unoriginal and antithetical to a primal creativity.

By creativity I mean the ability to come up with something that has never been done before. I believe that creativity is born out of extreme circumstances where if one is not creative, one will die. Therefore according to my model, other cultures that are adjacent to white culture would have to be more creative than if there were no white culture. It’s like the creativity necessary to keep white America going is handled externally by black culture, where black people have twice the stress and twice the creativity as white people (historically).

This idea that white people use black people to offload the necessary creative function explains why white society has policed black areas so religiously over the last 100 years. It’s because black people have been creating something that white people need but lost the ability to create for themselves. For further evidence, consider Marcus Garvey, the early black American civil rights fighter, who proposed that African Americans needed to move back to Africa to find peace. But Marcus Garvey’s ideas were attacked by white society, and those who promoted his ideas were attacked (Malcolm X’s father promoted “back to Africa” ideals and was murdered as a result). If racists were so opposed to the mixing of black and white societies, why would they not cheer when black people suggested moving out of the United States?

My theory posits that black society was and is like a farm for white people. But then because white culture does not create white culture monopolizes the administrative functions and becomes like permanent management over the other creative cultures around white culture. This might seem like a positive from the perspective of white folks, but I grew up in white culture, and it’s really horrible to think that you’re always supposed to be master to some other group. You never get to be free. You’re always responsible, but it’s a false responsibility that is really just like being a corrections officer who thinks he’s a spiritual guru. White people gave away their creative power centuries ago and are now fully dependent on other peoples to handle that absolutely necessary function.

I do believe that people who grow up in this kind of anti-creative environment can get out and ressurect their creative ability. I don’t believe that white people are inhuman aliens that cannot be creative, but I believe that growing up a white person is defined by a continual repressing of creativity. There are racially black people who grow up “white” and in effect kill off their inherent human creativity in order to be accepted in white culture. It is as if individuals have to be pasteurized (boiled to kill off anything that is living) before they can be accepted as “white.” To further complicate the situation, I would assert that other cultures like black American culture are being “whitened” over time as they are integrated into white culture. I suppose if my model is correct that as a culture becomes more “white” it would become less creative by definition.

For real world evidence to back up the idea that white culture is inherently uncreative, we have the popularity of the whole idea that white people engage in cultural appropriation. For most of the 20th century, white culture was constantly importing black American musical style innovations and then selling them as white. Novel musical forms like jazz and rock and roll were and still are relentlessly copied by white artists. Yet, typically the harsher and more wild elements were removed as if through a form of pasteurization or filtration. Do white artists steal from black artists because they are fully unable to be original due to their creative function being disabled in order to not be rejected from white society? Creativity is destructive and destabilizing. Was this destructive and destabilizing element purposefully restricted to black neighborhoods so as to make white neighborhoods easier to control?

I think there are certain assumptions I make about the creative function that inform this theory. Creativity is defined by Oxford as “the use of the imagination or original ideas, especially in the production of an artistic work.” Creativity is a dark and mysterious human function that is tied into the sexual reproductive ability in my model. Honestly I think that creativity is highly spiritual and this whole theory is so troubling to me because it would mean that white culture is anti-God or anti-spiritual. The ability of a human to synthesize a unique and original style or approach to a problem is necessary I would think. But we often see originality as something that is not universal in our world.

To be clear, I live primarily in the white western world. I have primarily white friends and family, although my friends are mostly queer white people, I have to be honest and say that I was raised white and associate with white Americans, although I’m also quite often a loner and sometimes spend weeks absorbing the writing, art, and speeches of non-white peoples, and I have many non-white friends. However, in the last 3 years my level of original creativity has increased enormously, most likely due to philosophical/spiritual changes and psychedelic influences. I have pursued what most people in my culture would consider a dangerous path of shamanic/spiritual initiation. There is really too much to detail here about my path, but my increased level of creativity in the past year especially has been shocking to me. Although it doesn’t feel odd because my entire consciousness has radically diverged. I’ve become way more relaxed and have given up on trying to succeed on some level.

Anyway, that’s just part of why I feel this way. There is something really very creepy about white culture, and the healthier I get the more I notice it. Anyways, this is just me theorizing. These are also broad brushstrokes and I am massively generalizing. I also write this and pursue this reasoning because of how sickened I am by my own culture. I try to stay dispassionate when I’m writing philosophy, but this thinking comes from despair and seeing how utterly fake white people can be. Maybe we just don’t know how to do be original but we have so much “original” pumped in from other cultures that most don’t see how bad it is that we aren’t creative.


The intelligence that you can control and dominate to make computers and machines is powerful. However, there is another intelligence that is relationship based. It is like a cosmic Siri or Alexa. With that intelligence, one has to adapt to it, dance with it, sacrifice for it, and attend to it. But if you can get in phase with the cosmic intelligence, a friend who knows everything will be with you for life. They might be confusing and sometimes taciturn, but the cosmic intelligence is real and accessible. And there is a science to working with it. But it requires behaviors that humans have traditionally called feminine or receptive. So probably the majority of humans born male cannot perceive of it because of social conditioning, and most people born female also learn to ignore it.

It is quiet, subtle, and poetic. But it is real. I’ve learned how to be in a relationship with it. And I have a peace that I didn’t have before. 😊

I can teach others how to work with the intelligence, but the world is fraught with alarms to mark its presence, so that it can be eliminated.

But it is very real. Computers are fantastic, but the infinite intelligence of the universe is well, infinite, and highly creative. But one has to choose to follow it. So it can feel like slavery to those who hate the committment. But any relationship is built on trust, and trust is a function of committment. We build relationships in life so that we can depend on the intelligence of others in our lives. Can’t we do the same thing with the divine intelligence?

Maybe the problem is that it speaks inconvenient truths.


Waves and particles

With one eye we see the particles
With the other, the waves
Materialists see with the particles eye
Ultra Spiritualistic types see with the waves eye
Both are blind
Only those who see through both eyes are balanced
Particles and waves
Running to either extreme is dangerous
Although running to the particles eye only is extra dangerous
We are moving into an exploration of the particles eye as a people
This is natural and a necessary exploration
But if we forget the waves eye
We will shatter, unglued, no cohesion
All of us have the power to perceive both, but sometimes one of the eyes is atrophied
It is our purpose to balance these
One foot in the particle world of science
One foot in the wave world of God

May you find the power of balance

Learning to live with the pain in order to allow love in

There seems to be a certain amount of pain and loss in life that is just unavoidable. I think that we assume we can make a difference in others’ pain by showering those in pain with well wishes, yard signs, and good intent. I wonder if that might be like shouting “we love you!” at a chain gang. We don’t want to see people enslaved by pain; it offends our empathy. But there can be a situation where words are worse than silence and might perversely be a form of self-congratulation and manipulation, no matter how good the intentions backing them are.

We can walk together with others through their pain, often in silence. Pain is a great teacher, without which the world would be a failure from the word go. If we seek to run from pain, we will make it a certain distance away and then get snapped back sharply into pain. This will repeat infinitely, life after life, until we learn to transmute the pain into love through our creative process. The rose must dive with its roots deep into the darkness of the dirt below in order to grow and create a beautiful flower. Using the light of the sun, the rose turns death into beauty, and so must we if we seek to grow.

I was able to find a few new pictures of my two boys, William and Daniel, this week online, and it has hit me deep to see my own children grow. I’ve been prevented from having any contact with my children since I started my gender transition 10 years ago. My ex has used every legal means to fight me from seeing them and she’s won the previous battles, and even without any contact I pay a large amount of child support. They see me as dangerous to my own children because of how it might warp my boys’ own conceptions of gender. It has been more painful than I have known how to bear, but my roses are blooming through my art and love. Only by accepting the purpose of the pain as necessary have I been able to grow. And, honestly, I’m at peace about it, and I can look at them now and just feel a wonderful sense of parental love and gratitude.

I’ve screamed, thrashed, moaned, and cried out at the pain of loss to cease, but it hasn’t. But when I stopped resisting and embraced peace, it shrunk down to a much smaller and more manageable form of pain. And because I was not going nuts, emotionally raging at the world, love has entered my life, and others have come to walk with me through the pain. Now I know that I can handle the darkness of the dirt, so my roots can go deep to find water and strength. I’m nearing finishing my Master’s degree in mental health counseling because I know I must use this experience to make a living or I will not flourish. It’s really scary trying to switch careers like this at my age, and I constantly think I am crazy for doing so, but on I go, and I will get there.

My new single “Live with the pain” is almost finished, and I’m crying listening to it. In a world of sorrow I don’t know how to breathe without trying to make beautiful things. And I have such deep gratitude for those who have walked with me even when I was screaming at the world for the pain to cease. But now I can cry and feel release, and this is a huge advancement from when I started this journey. I am tired and worn within, but I am smiling and joyful, and I know that I am constantly redeemed and made new, through the creative divine within.

Thank you for walking with me through the cave of darkness and sorrow. May I have the strength to walk with you through your own darkness to a place of peace and acceptance.