Category: Health

The Mental Health Establishment Is Complicit In The War Crimes Of The United States Government And Must Change Now

It’s Taurus season so I’m gonna get a few things off my mind. The mental health establishment has a ton of built in white supremacy and cis privilege. Most therapists are cis white women, and the goals of therapy are often designed for people with a certain amount of privilege. In fact many studies have shown that talk therapy is not as effective for African Americans. This disparity is usually written off by saying that there needs to be more outreach or that there needs to be more awareness of the issue. But the reason is more nefarious than that.

There is no such thing as a universal standard of “good mental health.” Proper mental health is dependent on the individual and their local environment. When one acts appropriate to the demands of their environment, they are being mentally healthy, but this appropriateness may look like peace and it may look like rage. If one’s house is being broken into and one decides to meditate, it is not a wise course of action. And yet people who live in gated communities that are protected by massive generational wealth and violent police often lecture the poor as needing to embrace mindfulness, peace, and love.

There is a time when the only true way to be is to take up arms to defend against oppressive conditions. Our mental health establishment often writes off revolutionary fervor as unbalanced and needing of powerful antianxiety medications to repress. It is true that acting as a revolutionary is not as simple as running up to your oppressor and attacking them. If one wants to break the chains of their oppression, they should do so intelligently, and, in fact, there might be a place for meditation and mindfulness in revolutionary struggle.

But so often our mental health establishment is in the pay of powerful corporations who are allied with our fascist government. So the answers that are given people who are under attack are usually self-repressive. Self-repression in the face of oppression is a useful thing, but the other side of the equation is not mentioned. When one lives under the thumb of a violent oppressive, occupying force such as black people do in America, anxiety and depression should be treated by removing the oppressive force. If we want to restore our mental health as a people we need revolution, period, end of story.

In my schooling as a counselor, I constantly had to ignore advice I was being taught because it did not apply to me as a transgender woman. Most cis white women, even the queer ones, are unaware of what black people, for example, have to do to live their lives. When the average cis white counselor works with a black person or a trans person they do the equivalent of asking a male inmate in a maximum security prison to smile more and be more open. Inmates in prison HAVE TO be hard and closed off and so do people on the bottom of society.

When I transitioned I tried to hold onto my cis white cultural values, but eventually I realized that the values I had been given as “truth” were merely values for how to live with privilege. When I lost the privilege, I had to learn to be more like a black person. I had to develop internal toughness and honesty with myself. If I want to free my kids from the horrible prison they live in, I have to be a holy warrior, there is no other way around it. For so long I tried to play the cis white game of not trying to rock the boat and avoiding conflict, but my kids are still in prison. I am grateful to God that I was given this lesson so I could wake up to the truth of our society. When I was living as a “cis white male” I truly believed that my cultural values were right and that black people, for example, just needed to be more like white people. Most white leftists would say that they don’t want black people to act more like white people, but then they fully go along with the lies of the mental health establishment which earnestly tries to get black people to act as if they have the privilege of white people when they absolutely do not.

This has been a very hard bridge to cross for me. It is truly horrifying to wake up to the fact that there is so much subtle racism and classism in our society and that we feed it in ways we do not realize. It is deeply, deeply painful to fully accept, and I would guess that most cis white people, queer or straight, have not fully accepted it if they are not calling for revolution and regime change at home.

Now, one can be a revolutionary and still smile, laugh, and have fun. There is a way to balance the need to work tirelessly to overthrow oppressive forces with the needs to be balanced and grounded. And in fact the mental health establishment is starting to wake up to the need to encourage civil rights activism to be fully well. But at present, conflict avoidance and victim blaming are still baked into the act of therapy. Most therapists are highly privileged people, and they live in quiet suburban neighborhoods which are designed to create the illusion that one is not causing conflict in the world. But everyday that one trades one’s privilege for security and engages in the very common and very white act of conflict avoidance, one is complicit and should assume that they are the one locking cages with children in them at the border. They should assume they are dropping the bombs over middle eastern and African countries. They should assume they are breaking into the houses of the poor to terrorize innocent people. They should assume they are the problem. One does not have great mental health and blood on their hands at the same time, and this applies to me as well. I’m not above American privilege although I’ve removed myself from it somewhat.

I do believe in the power of talk therapy and mental healthcare or I wouldn’t have pursued this career path, but I also can’t pretend that I don’t have to wake up and fight to exist every day. I would not need to interface with the mental health establishment if I was not hunted from birth for being arbitrarily different in my gender expression. So I engage with the mental health establishment to help process my pain and get treatment if necessary AND I also go to war to remove the oppressive cause of my pain. Therapists must be real about the true cause of mental health problems with their clients or they are just covering for monsters.

Why we fail: Zombies are coming

<!– why we fail –>
<p>There is a reason<br>they kill people before 30<br>Because if you <br>make it through your 30s <br>without killing someone or yourself<br>you’re invincible<br>Most flame out<br>How do you make it through your 30s?<br>Die<br>That’s Entertainment!!<br>

Pharmaceutical companies find chemicals that are sedatives and they do all kinds of tests on chemicals and develop specific energies for individual molecules. They focus pacifying energies on sedative derivatives of existing drugs. Then they own a chemical within your body on the energetic plane. They can sigilize that created chemical signature that has not been present in Earth space before, presumedly. Be careful of the chemicals you consume. I am victim not savior. I strive against too. Zombies are coming. Black coats are coming.
Scroll alphabetic nemeses<br>judicial system biases<br>Brought to you by<br>Hey! Fuck those Conscribulating Floors<br></p><!– why we fail –>

You are not broken if you compensate for your hard life by using “too much” drugs, sex, alcohol, food, etc.

You’re not broken if the modern world and its inhumane expectations of you makes you want to do the following things to cope:

-Eat junk food to excess
-Drink alcohol to excess
-Exercise to excess
-Smoke weed to excess
-Use drugs to excess
-Have sex/masturbate to excess
-Use social media to excess
-Watch entertainment to excess

The modern world is grinding, boring, and detached. The authorities will try to shame you and get you to believe that you don’t have enough self-control. They’ll show you pictures of people who are not using those things to excess to make you think that not doing those things is “normal.”

But you don’t have to accept this gaslighting. Yes, you need to take responsibility for your body and your decisions. However, imagine if you were a marathon runner and someone told you the following:

“taking those cups of water from people on the side of the race is really just weakness. Here is a person that didn’t have to take those cups of water. Look at him smiling. See how happy and normal he is. You need to work on yourself…”

You would probably call that person insane. Our body has limits, and we need to honor those limits by balancing the needs of our bodies, spirits, and minds over the requirements of the industrial machine we’ve created with the stock market gods telling us how much output is “normal.”

So if you are compensating for the really dark and exhausting world we are living in by using drugs, eating junk food, drinking alcohol, or any other similar behavior, you probably have a good reason for doing so and are not just broken. So honor that part of you that is exhausted, fried, anxious, rejected, alone, sad, etc. by not shaming yourself for the behavior.

The behavior might be because you are being tortured by a crazy world. And it could also be that you are just full-on trying to escape too much from the inescapable pain of life. It’s a balancing act.

Personally, I have a lot of pain, trauma, exhaustion, and overwhelm from my history and my present. But I still had to stop drinking because it was a poor coping mechanism, and I’ve found better coping mechanisms like cannabis, meds, and junk food. Would it be ideal if I could have a perfect diet, no meds, and no recreational drugs? Maybe? But WTF is ideal anyway? Right now, this is what I need, and I’ve practiced harm reduction to make it more manageable.

I have to find that balance daily. I make mistakes. I stay attached to coping behaviors too long because I am afraid I cannot find a better solution. This is a natural reaction when humans feel threatened. I really am not trying to say this is easy, because it is hard and might take years or decades to resolve.

May you find that balance in trying to stay engaged with a world that is really quite dangerous and harmful. And may you have tenderness with yourself and your pain. Love to you all.

The weight I pull and how it has changed me

I realized something this morning. I have this weight tied to my leg. That weight is composed of rejection, fibromyalgia, child support, hostile divorce, missing my kids, anxiety, transgender, chronic fatigue, and more. Lots of people have weights tied to them, so it’s not like I’m the only one with struggle. But I’ve had this weight since I was a child. I had recurring dreams when I was a child of trying to run but being unable because I was chained to something.

After my divorce in 2011, and my subsequent persecution by the state of California in regards to my inability to see my children, I became convinced that I would not be able to pull this weight anymore to get to the food and shelter that I needed to survive. I spiraled into a period of self-destruction, suicidality, and hospitalization.

But then in 2016, after my last suicide attempt, I had a revelation. it’s very complicated to explain the details of this revelation but suffice to say I decided that I was going to do whatever it took to make myself strong enough to pull this weight where I needed to go.

I had to develop this strength inside of myself which I call faith or trust in myself. It’s been a very complicated procedure and journey to build this strength in myself, but I believe I’ve been successful. Now I can somehow pull the weight that is chained to my leg to get to the food and shelter that I need to sustain myself.

But having to go to Herculean levels of commitment and engagement with life has alienated me from many of my peers. At times I’m very resentful of people who don’t have to drag their weight around because food is always next to their weight. They have privilege to not pull their weight around, food and shelter are brought to them. This is an extreme metaphor but you get the idea.

I feel like if I even slow down my commitment to that strength inside of me I will become swallowed by the darkness. So often I have to balance my commitment to my own strength with my desire to be a social animal and communicate with people I like. But sometimes nobody understands what it’s like to be a person like me. So it feels like a complicated game of chess always having to consider multiple angles at once just to break even.

We all have weights tied to us. That is what the cross represents in Christianity for example; it is the weight of reality that we have to carry in this life. This concept is ever present throughout history and societies. But some people have privilege and this allows them to not have to pull that weight or carry that cross. And honestly if I didn’t have to carry my cross or pull my weight, I might just sit and enjoy myself and not whip myself to keep going.

But for now I have this massive weight that I have to pull in order to get paid and eat and have shelter. It makes me kind of weird and different from my peers. It makes it so I have to just be by myself if I can’t find someone who isn’t dragging me down. I have to be selective about the people I socialize with or I can lose my strength. It’s frustrating but it’s just my reality, and I’ve come to really feel proud of how strong I am now, so it’s okay.

May you have the strength to pull your weight when you need to go where you need to go. May you find guidance within on how to find that strength. Love and peace and strength to you all.

Coping with a New Diagnosis: Asperger’s Syndrome (ASD)

I’m going through a bit of an existential crisis lately. I’m switching back to the tech industry; I broke up with my partner; and a couple weeks ago I found out that I have a mild case of Asperger’s Syndrome. That last thing is probably the most confusing thing to digest. It makes perfect sense honestly. I was always a loner in school. I’ve always been insanely reactive to noises. I started having meltdowns when I was 16. I excel at math and music. I’ve worked as an engineer, where half of the people might be on the spectrum. I’ve always been an insomniac. I found it nearly impossible to make friends until my mid-thirties. There’s more, a lot more.

Learning that I was born with my social difficulties has allowed me to realize that my weirdness is OK. I get overwhelmed by the world a lot, and I never really had an answer to why this is. I’ve been this way since I was little, so there is also a lot of trauma and rejection piled on top of my difficulty with people. Then I developed fibromyalgia as a response to constantly being overwhelmed and unable to form social bonds. And of course I was also way more femme than the other boys.

But a label is really just a label or a bucket that separates people as “other.” It can be helpful in some ways, but also limiting in other ways. I have learned how to live in a world that is not designed for me. I have learned how to mask myself by mimicking other people, and this is something that everyone does to varying degrees. Where my natural inclination is to talk about deep subjects, most people just want to do small talk.

But it hurts to think that maybe my relationships might have turned out better if I wasn’t so cold at times. I really do crave social interaction, but I also get overwhelmed, and it can be a lot of work to maintain relationships when you need so much alone time to recharge.

So I’m trying to figure out how to be myself with this new knowledge. I’ve ALWAYS felt strange. I used to think that I must be some sort of robot for not feeling my emotions like other people felt theirs. It’s a supremely odd thing to get some new knowledge that completely changes one’s entire personal history and personal narrative. And I know a common reaction to this will be “you don’t seem autistic!” That’s because I’ve worked very, very hard at developing behaviors that others take for granted. I’ve had to shoulder this load in silence, alone, and it’s been extremely exhausting.

I know because I don’t have skills in certain areas, I have talents in other areas, like writing and music. But right now I feel somewhat lost. I know I’ll find my footing again. I’m not these labels. I am a magical mermaid artist, lover, dreamer, creator, and fool who can make people laugh. I suppose it feels like a certain part of my brain is on overdrive, and so I have had to learn how to deal with this without spinning off the rails.

I’m figuring it out, but it’s been a slog. At least now I have an explanation of sorts for the root of my “issues.” And honestly for someone with high functioning Autism, I’m doing really well. I’m working full time; I’m getting my Master’s; and I’m a performing musician. But sometimes I get overwhelmed and turn into a social recluse to cope. It’s tiring, but I’m making my way through the fog with a little help from friends, family, and lovers. I wasn’t really born with the ability to maintain those relationships but I’ve learned how over the decades. And I’ll keep on learning.

“Hidden” illnesses like Fibromyalgia are real, and those who suffer from them are working harder than you might think just to be “normal.”

If someone has fibromyalgia or another chronic fatigue condition, they are probably trying a lot harder than it looks. I try not to fence myself in with limitations, but sometimes doing what everyone else takes for granted requires a tremendous amount of strength. They are not holding back. They are not lazy. They still love you even if they can’t keep up with you.

This might sound obvious, but as someone with an “invisible” illness like Fibro, I’ve often been called crazy, unmotivated, or lazy. I, in fact, have matured with two invisible conditions: Fibromyalgia/Chronic Fatigue and being transgender. It often felt like I was living a lie because I had to conform to a society that was not built for me. But the reality is that any society that tells its children to not be themselves is a lying society.

I’ve made tremendous progress, and you can get over illnesses like Fibro, but you will likely have to be vigilant about roughly 20 different things in your day just to be “normal.” I’m surprising myself these days with my normalness. It feels great. But I’ve still had to deal with people not understanding me and giving me shit for not meeting their expectations. I guess I know now that those people are not right for me, and I have to find people who do understand what’s going on inside of me. Some people will never get it. They won’t see the 20 things you do every day that they don’t have to do. Or they’ll tell you that “everyone has problems,” and focus on what you can’t give them rather than what you do give them.

Live and learn I suppose. These conditions have made me an alien, a stranger in my own land. But honestly, I’m pretty glad about that reality because I do not want to be an average sleep-walking American. Getting through the alienation and struggle has made me a better person. It has been a steep climb, but now I know it was what I was born to do. There is something else invisible in everyone: a deep well of strength that can carry you forward through anything as long as you persist. And persist I shall.