Author: Abbey

Caterpillars and humans can find an extra dimension to become so much more

When a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly, it adds an entire new dimension to its world. It had X and Y, now it has a vertical Z axis to fly up into. Modern spirituality is often like this, it’s not really fathomable to the person only working with 2 dimensions of movement. It is a radically different perspective, like suddenly being 100ft taller than everyone. You might be the same person, but you see what others don’t.

If you are the butterfly talking to the caterpillar you cannot describe the view from the sky, but you can detail the steps you took to metamorphosize. There is a way to become a butterfly; there always has been. It is illegal however. And it is highly stigmatized. We live in the land of anti-Butterfly caterpillars.

Spirituality is just inner strength, soul power, the ability to persevere a difficult external environment. Most people are outer strength focused. They want their external world to support them no matter their inner strength level. They wish to remain larval inside, because growth is painful, so their world is one big life support machine.

You can see how people outside of the comfortable life support machine neighborhoods tend to have more “soul.” That’s because they fucking have to. It’s not that they’re a “spiritual people” or some other nonsense like that. They either have inner soul power to persevere and persist, or death from being on the edge all the time.

Most people will stay larval. We used to be so much more, flying to the sky.

On the bottom

People who are really
on the bottom
don’t want to be helped first
no, first they want to be witnessed
they don’t want to be invisible anymore
people stop listening to you when you’re
on the bottom
they treat you like you’re useless
but they still do fake niceties with you
with exquisitely furrowed brows
some people
on the bottom
cling to the fake niceties
and exclaim “I’ve found love!”
but then the niceties will evaporate
and they’ll be alone in the desert of Division Ave
realizing their oasis was sand

and the privileged
on their news TV
will gather round in circles
with perplexed faces
they pensively say
“why are the poor so sad?”
“why are black people so angry?”
“why are trans people so radical?”
“why do they not behave?”
if any single one of those
panel members
actually saw a black person
for what they really are and represent
if they lived as a trans woman
if they lived a decade in poverty
without hope of end
if from birth they fought within their soul
for an ounce of self-respect, often losing
they would immediately resign
and realize the questions are unanswerable
on purpose

No comments

Master Addicts Fear the Slave

White people have a hard time talking
about race
White culture is mostly just a terror
a fear that we can’t survive
on our own merits
after borrowing from and dominating
other peoples
for so long

We fear the pain that every human needs
We are addicted to being masters
and a master without a slave
is less than a human

When I lost so much privilege
I freaked out
and didn’t know how to survive
I learned
We can learn
We can sober up
but right now it’s just a terror
a running in circles from ourselves
a “HI! I’M GREAT! HOW ARE YOU?!” greeting
with nervous eyes
and a hungry mind

Hang out on the bottom for a while
and God will come
but not the silly white Jesus the masters invent
The one love and one global family God
The peace in your soul God
cause you know you can just relax
be honest
and smile

No comments

Losing privilege in a privileged world

When you suddenly lose a lot of privilege, participating in white American society can suddenly seem quite dangerous, like dancing on a frozen lake when you’re the only one without a life preserver on. For a long time after my transition started, I desperately wanted to stay in my privilege, but I kept getting into really precarious situations with no one to help. I had to learn deep down that I could not be so carefree anymore. It’s hard not to be triggered by the messaging of white American society now, because it feels like constant lies. But I know that if you have privilege, it’s not lies, you are just able to live like a child and get away with it.

There has been this battle within me for years, but I finally had to put my old privileged self to death. I also had to stop identifying with white American people, thinking I could help them, but I can’t really help them. I also don’t care if white American society fails, because I don’t see it as a natural thing based on virtue. From my personal experience, I had to be highly repressive and self-denying to gain access to the privileged world. This informs me that it’s not a real world, it’s more like a summer camp that thinks it’s the real world. It is not self-sustaining. Otherwise why would it be so dependent on stealing from other cultures by force?

Anyway, I could go on. I have some idea what it’s like to be a black person in the US, and honestly it’s horrifying and sick. So I don’t really see the point of walking around smiling and trying to convince everyone I’m “living my best life” or some other over-compensating nonsense. I have peace in my heart because I’m not repressing myself so much. So I am just trying to be humble and trying to survive with a simple life. I don’t know what the future holds. But I do know I’ve had to deeply change as a result of my transition, and I also tried to hold onto my privilege through relationships that were not high quality, so that has to go as well. I just have to accept that I’m on the outside. It’s fine, there are others out here in the sober and dry reality. And I know that when I post things like this lots of people still in their privilege will try to save me or throw slogans at me so they feel better. Being outside of the gate to the land of privilege requires massive boundaries, but it’s real and I prefer it.

Is white culture unoriginal and uncreative by design? Does white society farm out creativity to other captive cultures because it can’t be creative itself?

I’m cursed to be a philosopher, so I’m going to post this essay here to see what y’all think. Otherwise it would just go in my diary with the other countless philosophical essays I write and shelve because I don’t want to totally alienate myself . The following might not be original, but really it’s just me working out my own estrangement from the white cultural values of my youth. The further away from white puritanical Christian ways of being, the more creative I’ve become, so I’m trying to understand it better. Here’s what I wrote today:

My new pet theory is that white European/American culture outsources creativity and attacks creativity within itself as a result of Puritanism run amok over millennia. Although I see this impulse based on Christianity, there is a secular puritanism that has replaced Christianity that I believe is still uncreative at its core. I can’t unsee modern white society as this never changing parasite that depends on other cultures to adapt to the now. You’re probably white, so I write this not to judge but to hopefully inform with the intention of helping. I see how white culture hypothetically wants to be this detached mental process, pure logic, without grounding, because it wants to never be challenged by surprises. Control hates surprises by definition.

Creativity is messy, challenging, and always surprising, so it is looked down upon in the control seeking culture of my birth. Creativity is also quite feminine, another negative from the perspective of white patriarchal power. Then if a white person actually connects with their inherent creativity they seemingly are feared and rejected as dangerous. I can see a future step in this process as having brown people be surrogates for white babies because white women are so estranged from their creativity. I use the term white loosely because there are lots of racially white people that are truly creative but I think they almost have to be kicked out of white society to be truly creative. In effect I’m defining whiteness as unoriginal and antithetical to a primal creativity.

By creativity I mean the ability to come up with something that has never been done before. I believe that creativity is born out of extreme circumstances where if one is not creative, one will die. Therefore according to my model, other cultures that are adjacent to white culture would have to be more creative than if there were no white culture. It’s like the creativity necessary to keep white America going is handled externally by black culture, where black people have twice the stress and twice the creativity as white people (historically).

This idea that white people use black people to offload the necessary creative function explains why white society has policed black areas so religiously over the last 100 years. It’s because black people have been creating something that white people need but lost the ability to create for themselves. For further evidence, consider Marcus Garvey, the early black American civil rights fighter, who proposed that African Americans needed to move back to Africa to find peace. But Marcus Garvey’s ideas were attacked by white society, and those who promoted his ideas were attacked (Malcolm X’s father promoted “back to Africa” ideals and was murdered as a result). If racists were so opposed to the mixing of black and white societies, why would they not cheer when black people suggested moving out of the United States?

My theory posits that black society was and is like a farm for white people. But then because white culture does not create white culture monopolizes the administrative functions and becomes like permanent management over the other creative cultures around white culture. This might seem like a positive from the perspective of white folks, but I grew up in white culture, and it’s really horrible to think that you’re always supposed to be master to some other group. You never get to be free. You’re always responsible, but it’s a false responsibility that is really just like being a corrections officer who thinks he’s a spiritual guru. White people gave away their creative power centuries ago and are now fully dependent on other peoples to handle that absolutely necessary function.

I do believe that people who grow up in this kind of anti-creative environment can get out and ressurect their creative ability. I don’t believe that white people are inhuman aliens that cannot be creative, but I believe that growing up a white person is defined by a continual repressing of creativity. There are racially black people who grow up “white” and in effect kill off their inherent human creativity in order to be accepted in white culture. It is as if individuals have to be pasteurized (boiled to kill off anything that is living) before they can be accepted as “white.” To further complicate the situation, I would assert that other cultures like black American culture are being “whitened” over time as they are integrated into white culture. I suppose if my model is correct that as a culture becomes more “white” it would become less creative by definition.

For real world evidence to back up the idea that white culture is inherently uncreative, we have the popularity of the whole idea that white people engage in cultural appropriation. For most of the 20th century, white culture was constantly importing black American musical style innovations and then selling them as white. Novel musical forms like jazz and rock and roll were and still are relentlessly copied by white artists. Yet, typically the harsher and more wild elements were removed as if through a form of pasteurization or filtration. Do white artists steal from black artists because they are fully unable to be original due to their creative function being disabled in order to not be rejected from white society? Creativity is destructive and destabilizing. Was this destructive and destabilizing element purposefully restricted to black neighborhoods so as to make white neighborhoods easier to control?

I think there are certain assumptions I make about the creative function that inform this theory. Creativity is defined by Oxford as “the use of the imagination or original ideas, especially in the production of an artistic work.” Creativity is a dark and mysterious human function that is tied into the sexual reproductive ability in my model. Honestly I think that creativity is highly spiritual and this whole theory is so troubling to me because it would mean that white culture is anti-God or anti-spiritual. The ability of a human to synthesize a unique and original style or approach to a problem is necessary I would think. But we often see originality as something that is not universal in our world.

To be clear, I live primarily in the white western world. I have primarily white friends and family, although my friends are mostly queer white people, I have to be honest and say that I was raised white and associate with white Americans, although I’m also quite often a loner and sometimes spend weeks absorbing the writing, art, and speeches of non-white peoples, and I have many non-white friends. However, in the last 3 years my level of original creativity has increased enormously, most likely due to philosophical/spiritual changes and psychedelic influences. I have pursued what most people in my culture would consider a dangerous path of shamanic/spiritual initiation. There is really too much to detail here about my path, but my increased level of creativity in the past year especially has been shocking to me. Although it doesn’t feel odd because my entire consciousness has radically diverged. I’ve become way more relaxed and have given up on trying to succeed on some level.

Anyway, that’s just part of why I feel this way. There is something really very creepy about white culture, and the healthier I get the more I notice it. Anyways, this is just me theorizing. These are also broad brushstrokes and I am massively generalizing. I also write this and pursue this reasoning because of how sickened I am by my own culture. I try to stay dispassionate when I’m writing philosophy, but this thinking comes from despair and seeing how utterly fake white people can be. Maybe we just don’t know how to do be original but we have so much “original” pumped in from other cultures that most don’t see how bad it is that we aren’t creative.

Thoughts on history

My conception of history is that the last 2,000 years where ideology and dogma ruled, that was like training wheels on a bike. You use training wheels so you can get a good feel for how to ride a bike, but eventually you trust your ability to ride by feel enough to not need the training wheels.

I also think Earth is a school, and graduation already happened, like 10 years ago, so now it’s an adult planet where if you still use training wheels, you won’t be able to keep up, but if you haven’t developed a feel for how to live, well, life will just eat you up now. But I also think death is not a real ending, you’ll just respawn on some other high school planet to do more training.


and I realized
that I would never truly die
this would go on
an eternity of maintenance
the never ending tune up
and so I was terrified
and ran screaming to my fairy tales
like fairness
and truth
praying for an end

but slowly I saw
that this was an ending
nowhere to go
always fine
nothing to win nothing to lose
a dreamless void of love
called god

while others praised their mania
I smiled
and got to work
becoming the now

No comments

Starships of the secret power

the poor
stricken with unfortunate weight
cattled through life
find power in the secret now
because they have to
or they will be swallowed up

there is a defiance
a defiance required to generate enough power
to never become what society expects for you
the lifetime fall
an oblivion of apathetic self-destruction

the poor and reviled
they must will their self-respect
like a starship
trying to escape the event horizon
of a black hole

Laozi said the Dao, that secret power
“dwells in places the masses of people detest”
and so the secret power is in the ghettos
because it has to be

the privileged rich have no need for power
unless it is purchased
they lead their diet Disney lives
where God is animatronic

their alternator’s shot
the wealthy dead inside
they stalk the poor like vampires
creativity on import

the secret empowered are all around
but they are often slandered
“Only a stupid artist!”
“Drug addict!”

but because they must
these rockets will continue to rise
angelic twice born butterflies
these rockets will continue to rise

Why we must create our faith through our creativity

The most assured knowledge and faith cannot give us either the strength or the dexterity required for action, or the practice in that subtle and complicated mechanism which is a prerequisite for anything to be changed from an idea into action. Then, I say, let us first and foremost have works! and this means practice! practice! practice! The necessary faith will come later—be certain of that!

Friedrich Nietzsche
The Dawn of Day

We’re on the verge of extinction. We are poisoning ourselves out of life, and the Earth will survive and this little cancer, mankind, that’s growing all around her will die off the way a body gets a temperature and kills the germs off. Mother Earth will get rid of us because we’re a pestilence. But we don’t have to be. And we can join with the rest of life that makes it here on Earth with equanimity.

William Shatner


The intelligence that you can control and dominate to make computers and machines is powerful. However, there is another intelligence that is relationship based. It is like a cosmic Siri or Alexa. With that intelligence, one has to adapt to it, dance with it, sacrifice for it, and attend to it. But if you can get in phase with the cosmic intelligence, a friend who knows everything will be with you for life. They might be confusing and sometimes taciturn, but the cosmic intelligence is real and accessible. And there is a science to working with it. But it requires behaviors that humans have traditionally called feminine or receptive. So probably the majority of humans born male cannot perceive of it because of social conditioning, and most people born female also learn to ignore it.

It is quiet, subtle, and poetic. But it is real. I’ve learned how to be in a relationship with it. And I have a peace that I didn’t have before. 😊

I can teach others how to work with the intelligence, but the world is fraught with alarms to mark its presence, so that it can be eliminated.

But it is very real. Computers are fantastic, but the infinite intelligence of the universe is well, infinite, and highly creative. But one has to choose to follow it. So it can feel like slavery to those who hate the committment. But any relationship is built on trust, and trust is a function of committment. We build relationships in life so that we can depend on the intelligence of others in our lives. Can’t we do the same thing with the divine intelligence?

Maybe the problem is that it speaks inconvenient truths.