Author: Abbey

SPLIT no more

I had a vision
that I had fallen into
a great and dark sea
and above that sea
there were beings, flying
white and frantic
“What have you done?”
they exclaimed
but in an instant I saw it all
this was the White man’s sewer
where he stole his flight from
it was a maddening sadness
Black faces rushed by me
packed so close
despairing and manic
but also there was
utterly tender
and real
so freely given

four African women held me
caressing me
and the being from above
called out to me
“You must fly!”
but the African women raged back
vicious and protective
in their eyes there was
zero trust of the white fliers
and yet they cared for me
they saw that I had stopped flying
because I wanted to
because it’s bullshit
always above
always progressing
always running
always more

I know now how we’re split
and how the White fools steal the wings
of the noble others below
so they can all be

now the White fliers
the thieves of air
are suddenly seeing
their wings go soft
fewer, fewer fliers above the sea
but on they chant!
(at whatever cost)
(at whatever cost)
(at whatever cost)
(at whatever cost)

but oh those fliers they do not know
if only once they were to land
on the bottom
to be the slur
to be the ignored
to be the slave
to be the used
they would find the thing they are trying to fly up to
which is peace
and rest

now becomes the great balance
up must fall
down must rise
there will be blood
there will be sighs
there will be terror
there will be fear
there will be horror

but just by being in that great sea
for a few minutes
I saw that
horror was the color of the sea
for a very long time
and now that color will return
to those from which it came
and that hopeless sea will become
a great and verdant land
a novel Eden for the people
no heaven
above us
only sky

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Allow yourself to hate your oppressor

On some level you have to let yourself hate the oppressors. As a transwoman I’m like “oh hey oppressor!” It’s always there. But privilege obscures the oppressor for a lot of people, so they have trouble fighting it. But I assure you it’s there and it doesn’t care about you, and it’s working day and night to keep you disempowered. I don’t recommend rage against the oppressor necessarily, but I do recommend disdain and disgust, because it is sick and depraved and without conscience. Know thy oppressor. Die to the fear of the oppressor and realize it’s actually weak like the wizard of oz, all show and bark. Eventually it will fall. I think I know how, and it’s my life mission to destroy the oppressor. It’s a jihad at this point. When you’re politically persecuted for things you were born with, either you work tirelessly to destroy your oppressor, or you lose a sense of personal respect. And by working tirelessly, I don’t mean being unbalanced. I just mean not stopping, always trying to learn how to destroy it. And I know how. And we will destroy it together.

Good Spirituality Causes Pain

If your spirituality doesn’t lead to pain, it’s just a distraction. Being “spiritual” just means being pain tolerant, which is a kind of real freedom and power. It’s not magic. It only seems magic because most people are pain avoidant and therefore pain intolerant and therefore trapped in the comfortable areas of life. I think good art should cause pain too, hence why art is so boring and predictable right now. We’ve been running from pain for so long we’ve forgotten how holy and wonderful pain is.

It’s so absurd when you get through catching up with all the pain you avoided and realize feeling the pain was the answer. It’s just that feeling pain tends to drive people to change and that just won’t do for the owners. So they convince us that pain is horrible and terrible, and we buy it along with their million different kinds of painkillers. It’s so dumb OMG. Painkillers are alright if you need them to survive but you’ll have to feel that pain eventually. And all that pain we’ve run from is hiding at the end of time, waiting to say hi. I know that sounds morbid and crazy, but I’ll take life in high definition, not with a bunch of crazy filters on it. Yeah it’s hard, now, but there is no escape. If you’ve been through the pain, congrats! I knew there was a reason I liked you! 🤣

When I write this stuff now I expect loathing on some level but this is what I’ve found. And dumping a bunch of sugar on the message doesn’t work, at least I don’t believe. And honestly I really believe that all of the social chaos we are seeing is just painkiller addiction. Painkillers like drugs, money, media, fantasy, money, money, did I mention money? 🤣 Drug addicts are lucky because they get called addicts (which they are) by bigger addicts like stockbrokers and billionaires, so they have to do the work to face their pain. Billionaires yeah they’ll just have to pay with some awful hellish existence until they get all the pain they need.

Pain Is God, God Is Pain, Try To Run, Never Escape It

When the painkillers stop working, you have to go on a journey that the pain demands you go on. Pain is God, you can never win, it will come back tenfold if you avoid it. You can try if you want. You most definitely can avoid pain for a long time but you move away from safety. You can wear sunglasses that put a filter over everyone’s face that you see making them smile at you when they aren’t, but you’ll get fucked up by someone, and you’ll need sunglasses that put a filter over the whole world soon, and you’ll be Gollum with his ring, lost, alone, running from pain in a cartoonish hell.

Psychedelics actually amplify pain to help you process it faster and get closer to God; this is how they make people “more spiritual.” When people say to me “you’re so spiritual!” I’m like yeah I’ve had a lot of pain and I’ve amplified it quite a bit, and I made changes until it stopped happening. For example, I took psychedelics and realized my pain was connected to my repressed gender, and I went on a ten year journey to integrate that part of myself, and it was miserable but also sublime. If that’s being spiritual, then fine.

Our choice to base our society on comfort is largely centered around an avoidance of pain. The ancients knew that this was just postponing the inevitable, and they also knew that the longer you wait to confront pain, the greater the fire one has to go through to get out of pain. So at the end of time is an all-consuming fire that is the sum of all buried pain through time. This will result in many long hells for most people. No hell is forever, but some hells are very long.

If you want to avoid having a hell smack you in the face, I would advise getting off the cheap painkillers you are on be they sugar, fast food, TV, opiates, alcohol, casual sex, meds, etc etc etc. We all know what they are. Face stark reality and then amplify it with psychedelics including cannabis and decide to go where you need to go, by yourself if you have to. There is a voice with the pain that will direct you if you are not putting up 10 layers between yourself and your pain. You can get cleaned out and purified this way, and you’ll just not be injuring yourself and covering it up with filters anymore.

Most people won’t do this, but I advise it from experience, from my visions, and from my conversations with the high voice. I know most won’t listen. But I am safe now, at least from horrible, mind-bending  pain. I still use painkillers sometimes. They are not evil. If you are in the middle of winter and your survival depends on getting something done or you die, you put off pain for a bit and then deal with the increased pain later. This is why fasting in Abrahamic faiths happens in the spring, to connect one with one’s pain directly, to catch up. They knew that if a society drifted too far from where pain wants you to be that the society might fail.

I’m mostly resigned to dying a Cassandra. I’ve shared what I’ve seen. I understand how unfashionable these words are, but I have gone to God through a wall of pain, and God was and is there. Now I have peace in my heart, but I am different than most people. I probably identify most with certain poor and oppressed peoples who will be much better off when the wall of fire comes. The rich have been dumping their pain on the poor for millennia, thinking it was gone. Oh no, you just saved a lot of poor brown people from hell who will now be watching you from heaven. No peace without the price.

The firewall against pain is already cracking and pain is getting through. I have a natural tolerance for pain now, so meh, whatever. It’s not fun but it’s not hard. But I see everyone around me with their eyes getting wider every day. You can call this some sort of mystical apocalypse, but it’s just “don’t wear filters over your senses too long or you’ll end up over a cliff without a parachute.” Any fool knows that we just pay people a ton of money to lie to us and confuse us so we can stay pain avoidant. It’s not that complicated. Pain avoidance is complicated, you’d need a huge, overblown, overheating system of consumer capitalism to do, oh wait, yeah you know that.

I’m just a messenger. I just report what I see. I’m sure you’ll avoid me but if you could not kill me that would be fantastic. We know what humans do to anyone who tries to tell people this eternal truth. But no big deal. I’ve already died. At least I know I won’t be afraid until I die.


a poem

Too weak to be dark
the people are GREAT!!
terrified of truth
they cling to simple fantasies
I’m a good person!
Things are getting better!

everyone is too responsible and busy
to have what should be a collective
a wailing over the end
but it’s a “This is fine”
burning house cliche

with plastic in our hearts and brains
everywhere we turn is a painkiller
to dull the message

but through the hazy narcotics of easy TV
and all those
I’m a good persons
we hear instead “maybe you should like I dunno not be like that…”

we go to our medical professionals and say
“There’s this dumb voice that is so stupid and it’s invasive! What do I do?”

“More painkillers!” says the esteemed medical professional
“These are new, they’re different, they don’t make you feel so bad”

And back home you go, relieved! “Now I can just do anything I want while the world burns. What a relief! What’s on Netflix? Oooooh this looks sooo funny!”

Too weak to be dark
the people are GREAT!!
terrified of truth
they cling to simple fantasies
I’m a good person!
Things are getting better!

While the wall of fire between us and safety
grows thicker
every day
every hour
every minute

we’re too responsible
and, well, just too busy you see I have this thing and yeah I can’t really commit to that, maybe next year?

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The Mental Health Establishment Is Complicit In The War Crimes Of The United States Government And Must Change Now

It’s Taurus season so I’m gonna get a few things off my mind. The mental health establishment has a ton of built in white supremacy and cis privilege. Most therapists are cis white women, and the goals of therapy are often designed for people with a certain amount of privilege. In fact many studies have shown that talk therapy is not as effective for African Americans. This disparity is usually written off by saying that there needs to be more outreach or that there needs to be more awareness of the issue. But the reason is more nefarious than that.

There is no such thing as a universal standard of “good mental health.” Proper mental health is dependent on the individual and their local environment. When one acts appropriate to the demands of their environment, they are being mentally healthy, but this appropriateness may look like peace and it may look like rage. If one’s house is being broken into and one decides to meditate, it is not a wise course of action. And yet people who live in gated communities that are protected by massive generational wealth and violent police often lecture the poor as needing to embrace mindfulness, peace, and love.

There is a time when the only true way to be is to take up arms to defend against oppressive conditions. Our mental health establishment often writes off revolutionary fervor as unbalanced and needing of powerful antianxiety medications to repress. It is true that acting as a revolutionary is not as simple as running up to your oppressor and attacking them. If one wants to break the chains of their oppression, they should do so intelligently, and, in fact, there might be a place for meditation and mindfulness in revolutionary struggle.

But so often our mental health establishment is in the pay of powerful corporations who are allied with our fascist government. So the answers that are given people who are under attack are usually self-repressive. Self-repression in the face of oppression is a useful thing, but the other side of the equation is not mentioned. When one lives under the thumb of a violent oppressive, occupying force such as black people do in America, anxiety and depression should be treated by removing the oppressive force. If we want to restore our mental health as a people we need revolution, period, end of story.

In my schooling as a counselor, I constantly had to ignore advice I was being taught because it did not apply to me as a transgender woman. Most cis white women, even the queer ones, are unaware of what black people, for example, have to do to live their lives. When the average cis white counselor works with a black person or a trans person they do the equivalent of asking a male inmate in a maximum security prison to smile more and be more open. Inmates in prison HAVE TO be hard and closed off and so do people on the bottom of society.

When I transitioned I tried to hold onto my cis white cultural values, but eventually I realized that the values I had been given as “truth” were merely values for how to live with privilege. When I lost the privilege, I had to learn to be more like a black person. I had to develop internal toughness and honesty with myself. If I want to free my kids from the horrible prison they live in, I have to be a holy warrior, there is no other way around it. For so long I tried to play the cis white game of not trying to rock the boat and avoiding conflict, but my kids are still in prison. I am grateful to God that I was given this lesson so I could wake up to the truth of our society. When I was living as a “cis white male” I truly believed that my cultural values were right and that black people, for example, just needed to be more like white people. Most white leftists would say that they don’t want black people to act more like white people, but then they fully go along with the lies of the mental health establishment which earnestly tries to get black people to act as if they have the privilege of white people when they absolutely do not.

This has been a very hard bridge to cross for me. It is truly horrifying to wake up to the fact that there is so much subtle racism and classism in our society and that we feed it in ways we do not realize. It is deeply, deeply painful to fully accept, and I would guess that most cis white people, queer or straight, have not fully accepted it if they are not calling for revolution and regime change at home.

Now, one can be a revolutionary and still smile, laugh, and have fun. There is a way to balance the need to work tirelessly to overthrow oppressive forces with the needs to be balanced and grounded. And in fact the mental health establishment is starting to wake up to the need to encourage civil rights activism to be fully well. But at present, conflict avoidance and victim blaming are still baked into the act of therapy. Most therapists are highly privileged people, and they live in quiet suburban neighborhoods which are designed to create the illusion that one is not causing conflict in the world. But everyday that one trades one’s privilege for security and engages in the very common and very white act of conflict avoidance, one is complicit and should assume that they are the one locking cages with children in them at the border. They should assume they are dropping the bombs over middle eastern and African countries. They should assume they are breaking into the houses of the poor to terrorize innocent people. They should assume they are the problem. One does not have great mental health and blood on their hands at the same time, and this applies to me as well. I’m not above American privilege although I’ve removed myself from it somewhat.

I do believe in the power of talk therapy and mental healthcare or I wouldn’t have pursued this career path, but I also can’t pretend that I don’t have to wake up and fight to exist every day. I would not need to interface with the mental health establishment if I was not hunted from birth for being arbitrarily different in my gender expression. So I engage with the mental health establishment to help process my pain and get treatment if necessary AND I also go to war to remove the oppressive cause of my pain. Therapists must be real about the true cause of mental health problems with their clients or they are just covering for monsters.

The religion of the future

Punk is a new religious movement discovered by African Americans and will be the religion of the future. Punk is more than punk rock. Punk is radical honesty. Punk is radical accountability. Punk is accepting your shadow. Punk is not running from pain. Fight a punk jihad against corrupt authority. Save the planet and the decent people. Go forward into the fire and use art to process your pain. Don’t listen to the misinformation and the sirens trying to lure you away from your pain. Pain is God talking to you through your body. The longer we wait to confront our problems the more fire we have to go through to survive. One day the privilege will run out. It’s best to make the transition now as it will be way worse then. At least now you can get ahead of the chaos and work out your problems before the wall hits. The war is here already. Only the strong will make it. I don’t know the way for everybody, but I made the transition myself, you can too. There are many others on the other side. Make your transition and save your soul, then we will destroy capitalism, free the prisons, break the will of the profligate industrialists, and restore harmony to the world. It will happen as God and Goddess want us to be free.

And no, punk is not an aesthetic. PUNK IS NOT AN AESTHETIC. If you think it is, you’re a clown. Punk is holy, and most people are not punks.

Go backpacking into the wildness within, return with the gods we thought were long dead

Most culture is a painkiller that deadens the feeling that one’s power is slowly slipping away, melting to water, evaporating into nothing. As our power diminishes, we create all kinds of digital multiplicities as a narcotic. We toil and research trying to find the root cause of our malaise, but we cannot see it.

The reason we are weak is because when humans are young they cut themselves off from large portions of themselves, the wild parts of themselves. On the inside, we retreat into our cities the same way we have in the external world. The most populated internal cities are in the mind. Certain wild, mystical, primal, and often feminine ways of being are admonished and policed out of ourselves by ourselves. And most people never go to the wild places. They pride themselves on avoiding them, saying that only “lower” groups, idiots, and insane people go to those wild places.

But, if we do not stay away from the wildness within, we are punished, alienated, castigated, and ultimately instructed to only be half of who we are or less. What I learned in my gender transition and psychedelic exploration was that I had walled off those parts of myself. The body is still considered unintelligent and animal as a hangover of Christianity and the subsequent Cartesian revolution of mind identification. So we don’t even look at or listen to it, outside of trying to dominate it into whatever the mind wants. The body must be listened to. Chronic pain disorders are, a large part at least, the body yelling at the mind to change.

Going to the wild areas within as an adult will save your soul, but it could also destroy you. Having edited out our wildness for so long, we have extreme difficulty when we see those parts of ourselves. We might overreact and go mad, becoming violent and deranged. But these parts of ourselves MUST be integrated. There is no choice. There is no alternative. There is no safe area where everything is predictable and ordered. That is the lie of our civilization. We forget that the wildness built our world in tandem with the clinical mind.

And now, watching the same movies get remade a hundred times, hearing the music which does not found fresh, seeing the art which is derivative, we wonder why life has become monotonous and repetitive. But we do not know that the banner over the doorway to the world we now inhabit said “PREDICTABILITY IS SAFETY, ORDER IS SANITY, LEAVE YOUR WILDNESS AT THE DOOR”

If you seek salvation, intoxicate yourself until you are mad, to see that madness is the queen of all sanity. Push beyond your limits until you are deranged. Fast until you see visions. Endure pain until you are broken. Scream with impunity until your voice is hoarse. You don’t have to do these things all the time, that is an equal madness, but it is in the extremes that the gods are found. You will very likely return to a more verdant sanity after integrating your wildness, even a little bit.


I feel very
not of this world
It’s a heavy truth of a boulder to roll
but I know
that love has found a way
I know
that love has found a way

And so
to those few flyers flying with me
the angels of precedent
the rock stars of the heavy vision
I am made glad and whole
by your lights
The abyss is illuminated
and not as empty
because of our together
Our sparse band of children
playing while the others wail
the gnashers and the doomed
Oh instead
we swing and dance
and SHOUT!

Love has found a way
Love has found its way
Oh thank you thank you thank you to
my others of
another world

Tear the tape, cut the chains

If you can’t break the law
you won’t see God
because whatever God is, it’s illegal
and so is truth
but now we are safe
and predictable
the tree of the knowledge of good and evil
has been eaten to death
a barren desert expands forever
where Eden once lived
but inside each of us is a well of pure water
with chains and yellow police tape
stretched across it saying
and the prophets said
when God is outlawed
only outlaws will know God
and so when the zombies come
to put the chains back over the well
after they have left
I will take out my bolt cutter secret drugs and rituals
my hormones and sacrilege
and get back to drawing water