Losing privilege in a privileged world

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When you suddenly lose a lot of privilege, participating in white American society can suddenly seem quite dangerous, like dancing on a frozen lake when you’re the only one without a life preserver on. For a long time after my transition started, I desperately wanted to stay in my privilege, but I kept getting into really precarious situations with no one to help. I had to learn deep down that I could not be so carefree anymore. It’s hard not to be triggered by the messaging of white American society now, because it feels like constant lies. But I know that if you have privilege, it’s not lies, you are just able to live like a child and get away with it.

There has been this battle within me for years, but I finally had to put my old privileged self to death. I also had to stop identifying with white American people, thinking I could help them, but I can’t really help them. I also don’t care if white American society fails, because I don’t see it as a natural thing based on virtue. From my personal experience, I had to be highly repressive and self-denying to gain access to the privileged world. This informs me that it’s not a real world, it’s more like a summer camp that thinks it’s the real world. It is not self-sustaining. Otherwise why would it be so dependent on stealing from other cultures by force?

Anyway, I could go on. I have some idea what it’s like to be a black person in the US, and honestly it’s horrifying and sick. So I don’t really see the point of walking around smiling and trying to convince everyone I’m “living my best life” or some other over-compensating nonsense. I have peace in my heart because I’m not repressing myself so much. So I am just trying to be humble and trying to survive with a simple life. I don’t know what the future holds. But I do know I’ve had to deeply change as a result of my transition, and I also tried to hold onto my privilege through relationships that were not high quality, so that has to go as well. I just have to accept that I’m on the outside. It’s fine, there are others out here in the sober and dry reality. And I know that when I post things like this lots of people still in their privilege will try to save me or throw slogans at me so they feel better. Being outside of the gate to the land of privilege requires massive boundaries, but it’s real and I prefer it.

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