Learning to live with the pain in order to allow love in

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There seems to be a certain amount of pain and loss in life that is just unavoidable. I think that we assume we can make a difference in others’ pain by showering those in pain with well wishes, yard signs, and good intent. I wonder if that might be like shouting “we love you!” at a chain gang. We don’t want to see people enslaved by pain; it offends our empathy. But there can be a situation where words are worse than silence and might perversely be a form of self-congratulation and manipulation, no matter how good the intentions backing them are.

We can walk together with others through their pain, often in silence. Pain is a great teacher, without which the world would be a failure from the word go. If we seek to run from pain, we will make it a certain distance away and then get snapped back sharply into pain. This will repeat infinitely, life after life, until we learn to transmute the pain into love through our creative process. The rose must dive with its roots deep into the darkness of the dirt below in order to grow and create a beautiful flower. Using the light of the sun, the rose turns death into beauty, and so must we if we seek to grow.

I was able to find a few new pictures of my two boys, William and Daniel, this week online, and it has hit me deep to see my own children grow. I’ve been prevented from having any contact with my children since I started my gender transition 10 years ago. My ex has used every legal means to fight me from seeing them and she’s won the previous battles, and even without any contact I pay a large amount of child support. They see me as dangerous to my own children because of how it might warp my boys’ own conceptions of gender. It has been more painful than I have known how to bear, but my roses are blooming through my art and love. Only by accepting the purpose of the pain as necessary have I been able to grow. And, honestly, I’m at peace about it, and I can look at them now and just feel a wonderful sense of parental love and gratitude.

I’ve screamed, thrashed, moaned, and cried out at the pain of loss to cease, but it hasn’t. But when I stopped resisting and embraced peace, it shrunk down to a much smaller and more manageable form of pain. And because I was not going nuts, emotionally raging at the world, love has entered my life, and others have come to walk with me through the pain. Now I know that I can handle the darkness of the dirt, so my roots can go deep to find water and strength. I’m nearing finishing my Master’s degree in mental health counseling because I know I must use this experience to make a living or I will not flourish. It’s really scary trying to switch careers like this at my age, and I constantly think I am crazy for doing so, but on I go, and I will get there.

My new single “Live with the pain” is almost finished, and I’m crying listening to it. In a world of sorrow I don’t know how to breathe without trying to make beautiful things. And I have such deep gratitude for those who have walked with me even when I was screaming at the world for the pain to cease. But now I can cry and feel release, and this is a huge advancement from when I started this journey. I am tired and worn within, but I am smiling and joyful, and I know that I am constantly redeemed and made new, through the creative divine within.

Thank you for walking with me through the cave of darkness and sorrow. May I have the strength to walk with you through your own darkness to a place of peace and acceptance.

1 comments on “Learning to live with the pain in order to allow love in”

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