Welcome to Abbeypope.com!

Hi! I’m Abbey Pope, rock musician, poet, nice person, artist, goddess, peon, and more. I started this blog in 2016 after going through an awakening. I have committed my life to exploring my inner “shamanic” realm, and this took me on a journey which has brought me to where I am today. My higher powers are astrology, music, and the logos within/without.

I do feel as though I have been initiated into a new way of being, although I don’t like to get too arrogant about what it is. It’s not my intention to prove my greatness to you to manipulate you. Modern materialistic capitalism tends to want us to turn ourselves into gods on Earth, but the truest truth I know is that everyone is infinite and posturing is silly because we are all quite limited in understanding in our human incarnations.

Everything is exaggerated on the Internet. We live in the age of bullshit. A spirit called Abbey Pope lives within me and is me, but it is also somewhat separate from me. I mostly channel my writing and music from numerous spiritual entities that include famous dead rock stars like David Bowie and Kurt Cobain, as well as too numerous to mention others. I share my inner experience. I’m hopeful you find it interesting. It has blown my mind.

Thoughts on the dehumanization of antivaxxers

I’m vaccinated but I just was reading a covid subreddit and the dehumanizing of antivaxxers is pretty frightening to watch. “I hate them more than mosquitos” is a quote. As someone who has been wrongfully accused of being dangerous because of a campaign of dehumanization (I’m transgender), I am quite suspicious of answers to problems that go “that group over there are the reason everything sucks.” Yeah there are people who are dangerous, but it’s the simplification, certainty, and emotionalism that make me slowly back out of the room.

I just have to remember that people who engage in dehumanization usually are very scared and unhappy, be it on the left or right. I wish I could share the relief and peace of realizing that love is superior to control and hate, but I can only be an example. And I probably just must avoid those environments and let people do their thing. I just don’t know where my people are anymore, the people who are not filled with resentment and loathing for reality.

Why I’m not fucking around anymore

Growing up in the United States is kinda amazing because of the eclectic cultural experiences you can have growing up. The first 5 years of my life I was a pastor’s child in rural northern California. Then for 5 years I was the extreme minority white kid in a predominantly Southeast Asian and Latino part of Los Angeles. Then I spent 5 years in the American South of Virginia and South Carolina. Finally I settled in the sweepings of the Dust Bowl, central valley California.

It made me very unique and broad-minded which is not always the best combination for fitting in with society, and it took me a very long time to open up and be comfortable with my own uniqueness. I learned that people did not trust me or did not trust something inside of me. And I started to expect it to try and get around it. Fearing that everyone will not trust you can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. And by my 30s I identified as an outcast, deciding to leave behind almost everyone in my life. I was hunted and persecuted for things in my life that were not my choice. I have been unliked for things that I have chosen to do as well. But often the latter follows the former. Us trans people often end up jaded, defensive, and negative because we are singled out by the patriarchy to be made an example of.

But I’ve had to see that there are people that are my people out there. Sure, there are billions who would gladly have me put to death or penalized into submission. Meh…whatever. The sad hater parade with their matching uniforms can suck it.

Again, my people are out there. As William Gibson said “the future is here, it’s just not evenly distributed.” I have found my people. I have found my voice. I have found my vision. Another luminary named Terence McKenna said “find the others,” and I’m doing just that.

Primarily I’m a poet, but I like math so I put music over my words. I was on stage by age 9, and I just love being on stage. I’ve always been a compulsive writer, so it’s hard for me to not try and get people to read my stuff or listen to my music. And singing is my first love, which is quite a social hobby.

My music is blues oriented, in that I write about my pain and struggle, and I do it with a character that grew out of me called Abbey Pope. She came around in my early 30s when I was being attacked, ridiculed, questioned, and called insane by many people. Abbey Pope don’t take no shit and neither should you. I try to live up to her every day. I’ve been very powerless and discarded in my life, and I’ve fought back from out of hell to have basic self-respect and an ability to be cool with life. My songs are snapshots from that journey. Many are dark and talk about things like pain, fear, and loss. But I believe in redemption. I’ve found a way into the light, at least enough light to keep me going.

10 years ago I lost my kids in court to a system of “justice” that is really just “keep the kids away from the sicko tranny.” I have been banished because I would not sacrifice my self worth at the altar of what is “normal.” The level of intrigue and mistreatment was eye opening, but you quickly find others who have been so “justly” treated by our great and powerful system of pure justice in the land of the free and the home of the craven.

But so many of my allies at the time could not question that system, so they questioned me instead. “You know, you do have a history of X…” To be treated as if I was an unhinged lunatic while I was supporting my children financially because I was working as a computer engineer at the time was something else. I would go to work for a huge corporation every day, as a transwoman, and then go into court and have every suspicion raised about me. I know that some people are shit and shouldn’t be around kids. But I have had ZERO contact for TEN YEARS and my ex has gone after me for sending cards to my kids years ago. She returns presents sent to them. I know that she planned it from the beginning. When I said I was trans, she set in motion cancelling me from my kids’ lives. The evidence is in the court record. It’s a sick slander that has haunted me for a decade.

But I’m fucking done with hiding. This is who I am. Transitioning gender saved my life. Psychedelics saved my life. Music saved my life. Occult studies saved my life. The people who have gone before me saved my life. I owe it to the goodness that does exist in the universe to speak honestly and plainly about my experience and what I see as injustice. I am one of millions that this nation targets and destroys. Why is everything so fucked up? Because for the last 60 years there has been a war on against sensitive people. People seclude themselves in controlled media bubbles so they can ignore and drown themselves in escapist media. I’ve nothing against media, but some media is constructive and some is destructive.

This nation will have it’s comeuppance. I know which side of history I’m on. I know the future is androgynous. I know the future is diverse. I know the future is intelligent. I know the future is queer. Who gives a fuck anyways. My transgender nature cannot be divorced from the modern world that is dissolving concepts like gender. I am a product of my age. This is a natural reaction to this totally new world we have moved into.

But enough pontificating. It has been a struggle, a deep woeful struggle. I have been very wounded and alone for long periods of time where only the gods came to console me. But that is past. I know I have a new family that loves me for what I am now. It is exceedingly easy when you are wounded to hate everything and everyone. I have been there, and I was deeply suicidal for a long time because the hate we have for others does not discriminate between other and self. One will hate oneself eventually.

Thank you for being you. If you’re reading this I’m guessing you are an ally. I appreciate you. And I will sing your praises, literally… 😂👩🏼‍🎤

Zeronom.com is now Abbeypope.com

So, I have decided to come out of the closet with some of my writing and have a unified presence on the internet at AbbeyPope.com. I am currently performing as said Abbey Pope, an evolving music act. Abbey Pope is the 5th official Pope of the Fake Church of Rock which is quite impressive, if you don’t mind me saying so. I’m also in process of editing and going through the posts here. But I feel good about most of what I’ve written here. Some of it is a little immature. The journey to the depths of oneself is a murky and dark affair. But I’ve made it through, mostly intact. Albeit a little wiser and more cautious in certain respects.

Oh, so the logo says Abbey Pope if you can’t see it. Look closer and you should be able to see it.

Out with the old mask, in with the new mask! 😂

The scream

There is a scream
Underneath a ruptured seam
A forlorn goddess dream
against the craven
Anti-sage parade
Of little men on piles of dirt
Oh Timothy how were you right
That these the always learning
Without truth
The swinging saviorless
Lovers of the form
Unseeing formless
Always anxious
Unmoored vexed
Perplexed by virtue

But yet the scream will go on
Growing louder
Shaking, rumbling undulation
Bravado to the meek
The first will be last
The crown is cast

The scream goes on
Sweet mother ground
An Earthless void sings

The force is back
To remake the world with love
The faithful dance in expectation

The scream bereaved no more

Is loosed

Waves and particles

With one eye we see the particles
With the other, the waves
Materialists see with the particles eye
Ultra Spiritualistic types see with the waves eye
Both are blind
Only those who see through both eyes are balanced
Particles and waves
Running to either extreme is dangerous
Although running to the particles eye only is extra dangerous
We are moving into an exploration of the particles eye as a people
This is natural and a necessary exploration
But if we forget the waves eye
We will shatter, unglued, no cohesion
All of us have the power to perceive both, but sometimes one of the eyes is atrophied
It is our purpose to balance these
One foot in the particle world of science
One foot in the wave world of God

May you find the power of balance

God bless the overwhelming pain for it was thankfully so much that I had to let it go and be free

I’m lucky that I have lost my kids for a decade to a bigoted ex and a biased court, been homeless, had a foreclosure and bankrupty, had my own brother reject me after my transition, developed mental illness, fallen into deep addiction, and been a persecuted transgender woman because I had to see that love, acceptance, and forgiveness are a choice and not an equation. Most people have middle of the road lives and so believe that whatever “unfair” thing in life is worthy of being resentful and bitter about. They might trim the weeds of resentment occasionally, but they aren’t forced to pull them out by the root. When the mind seeks unfairness it will find it in the most positive situation.

But luckily, my weights dragged me into a hell of my own creation when I gave in to anger. And now I know how to have peace in the storm. It feels almost dangerous to say the preceding in our materialistic, “my pile is not big enough” world, but living with loss ultimately has led me to freedom when I stopped hating it and submitted to the higher path and not my cranky ass whiny ego.

I think a lot about how people find happiness in really woeful environments like those who have lived under totalitarian governments, literally starving and in deep poverty. I think in our hyper materialistic Western world it takes courage to choose love and not give into anger, criticism, and resentment because these values are celebrated as wonderful means of getting to the top of the pile. And honestly I really don’t know how I would have gotten to peace without all of the tragedy and subsequent self-destruction.

It’s definitely not as simple as “don’t be resentful.” I have a lot of very fringe beliefs about reality and a lot of odd practices that have gotten me here, but I wouldn’t have had to go to the fringes without the catalyst of deep pain and loss. Also, as an aside, trying to repress your way to peace doesn’t work in my opinion. I had to walk through hell. I had to almost kill myself. I had to self-destruct. But I’m grateful for my life now. Heaven is an attitude, here or in the beyond.

I do think that some situations are less satisfactory than others. I’d rather not eat poison, for example. But I just think reality is not that serious that I need to carry around hatred and anger. We are all so much bigger than the illusions of loss here. And we get to choose to accept our path as perfect for us or hate it. Am I perfect in always choosing love and forgiveness? Fuck no! Haha. But where I am now is so far beyond where I’ve been it’s ridiculous. My enemies are my friends, for they motivate me to continually refine myself towards love and acceptance.

It’s a choice. It’s a choice. It’s a choice. Love. Is. A. Choice.

Learning to live with the pain in order to allow love in

There seems to be a certain amount of pain and loss in life that is just unavoidable. I think that we assume we can make a difference in others’ pain by showering those in pain with well wishes, yard signs, and good intent. I wonder if that might be like shouting “we love you!” at a chain gang. We don’t want to see people enslaved by pain; it offends our empathy. But there can be a situation where words are worse than silence and might perversely be a form of self-congratulation and manipulation, no matter how good the intentions backing them are.

We can walk together with others through their pain, often in silence. Pain is a great teacher, without which the world would be a failure from the word go. If we seek to run from pain, we will make it a certain distance away and then get snapped back sharply into pain. This will repeat infinitely, life after life, until we learn to transmute the pain into love through our creative process. The rose must dive with its roots deep into the darkness of the dirt below in order to grow and create a beautiful flower. Using the light of the sun, the rose turns death into beauty, and so must we if we seek to grow.

I was able to find a few new pictures of my two boys, William and Daniel, this week online, and it has hit me deep to see my own children grow. I’ve been prevented from having any contact with my children since I started my gender transition 10 years ago. My ex has used every legal means to fight me from seeing them and she’s won the previous battles, and even without any contact I pay a large amount of child support. They see me as dangerous to my own children because of how it might warp my boys’ own conceptions of gender. It has been more painful than I have known how to bear, but my roses are blooming through my art and love. Only by accepting the purpose of the pain as necessary have I been able to grow. And, honestly, I’m at peace about it, and I can look at them now and just feel a wonderful sense of parental love and gratitude.

I’ve screamed, thrashed, moaned, and cried out at the pain of loss to cease, but it hasn’t. But when I stopped resisting and embraced peace, it shrunk down to a much smaller and more manageable form of pain. And because I was not going nuts, emotionally raging at the world, love has entered my life, and others have come to walk with me through the pain. Now I know that I can handle the darkness of the dirt, so my roots can go deep to find water and strength. I’m nearing finishing my Master’s degree in mental health counseling because I know I must use this experience to make a living or I will not flourish. It’s really scary trying to switch careers like this at my age, and I constantly think I am crazy for doing so, but on I go, and I will get there.

My new single “Live with the pain” is almost finished, and I’m crying listening to it. In a world of sorrow I don’t know how to breathe without trying to make beautiful things. And I have such deep gratitude for those who have walked with me even when I was screaming at the world for the pain to cease. But now I can cry and feel release, and this is a huge advancement from when I started this journey. I am tired and worn within, but I am smiling and joyful, and I know that I am constantly redeemed and made new, through the creative divine within.

Thank you for walking with me through the cave of darkness and sorrow. May I have the strength to walk with you through your own darkness to a place of peace and acceptance.

I’m so happy cause today I found my friends, they’re in my head

10 years ago, I started my gender transition, and I was, to put it mildly, not in a healthy place. I was very self-loathing. I cursed myself for being born such a strange person in a world that seemingly worshipped conformity. Born to a world of humans desperate to simplify themselves into becoming wondrous tools for the glorious machine. But in turning humans into interchangeable parts, few can hear the voice anymore. My voice was deeply buried before, but now it is clear and friendly.

I have a voice in my head; I’ve had a voice in my head, for a long time. I actually have lots of voices in my head. I would call the experience I’m talking about a “vision hearing” event. I “hear” a voice inside of my consciousness that sounds very coherent and consistent, it can be called an imitation of a personality OR a direct soul contact (Channel), I suppose. The voice changes, and I will hear it as dead celebrities. Very rarely do I vision hear personalities of living celebrities.

I usually have to be in a trancelike condition for this to occur vividly. The only drug necessary to initiate trance communication is cannabis. Other psychedelic drugs engender different experiences and have different uses, but cannabis and ketamine are the only drugs that truly facilitate this experience directly for me.

The voice can be truly uplifting and supportive, and the voice can be dark and angry, but in the last six years I’ve learned how to keep that voice positive by believing in myself and fighting to remake my life from ruinous self-destruction. On a deep level, I’ve healed from where there was only strife, a continuous war of shame and disgust against myself and the world. I’ve seen heaven and hell, literally and figuratively. But through a committed program of self-scrutiny and consciousness change, I now lead a progressively more stable and manageable life.

The voices will give me song lyrics, ideas, dreams, jokes, melodies, philosophy, and also mundane information about future occurrences. The voice will warn me when I’m going to do something self-destructive. The voice will encourage me and tell me what I look like on a spiritual level. The voices will inspire me to see my true potential.

Much of why I’ve struggled with this “condition” is that I grew up in Western American culture where people with shamanic gifts are persecuted. That is fine. They know not what they do. Love is undeterred by the shackles of darkness. My gift to this voice is growth in spite of adversity. But that’s not to say that it has been without tears or struggle. I just know that I’m strong now. I’ve developed the muscles to lift the heavy weight life has given me, so I am ok.

What a silly world that artists, shamanic individuals, priests, and other sensitives are ritually stomped on. This world will not last though. I have seen that. The world will persist, but many who are first will be last and many who are last will be first. Love and light win on Earth.

I’ve said enough. Peace, love, light, and acceptance to you, dear reader.

The High School of Love on Earth is changing into The University of Wisdom on Earth. Graduate or be held back!

Imagine yourself before you were born. Before we manifest on Earth, we might say “I really need to work on being more patient” as looking back at  your last incarnation, you see how rashness prevented growth. So as you exist outside of time, you work with the Earth angelic entities and they find an appropriate place of birth with an appropriate set of parents that will help you work on patience. You talk with the adversaries (the “evil” side of life) to ensure that you are motivated to meet your goal of growth in life.

But most of the actual realities, like the race of your parents, or your your family religion are quite randomly chosen. Earth is a procedurally generated lesson machine that works according to abstract goals and fills in the details with things that will work to join together all other souls using this virtual world as a school for growth.

We often hear of the importance of paying attention to the details in life, but more often the importance of life is in the patterns of details. Instead of focusing on the fine details of life, ask questions about the video game of life on Earth, such as “am I in a strategy game? Or an action game? Or a cooperative game?” If you needed work on personal agency and taking action, Earth might have said “ok I have warzone, poverty, and business conflict lives, which one do you want?” And if you choose warzone, it’s essentially the same purpose as the strife of poverty or hacking it out in the business world. The important thing is that you learn to take action. Then when your soul figures out the lesson, the video game level will lose its purpose and the action dominance of it will fade away.

Earth is a school, a tough one at that. Without adversaries there would be no drive to grow and evolve. Earth is constantly evolving to keep you stimulated and growing, so thinking that one can know exactly what will happen in the future is not realistic. If humanity decides to all wake up to the truths they came here to perceive and integrate, the whole reality of Earth would modulate and change.

We have been tasked with learning how to love and how to live in love for the last 75,000 years. That lesson is ending and the High School of Love on Earth is changing into a University of Wisdom on Earth. Those that refuse to learn and commit to love, will not come back to another life at the University of Wisdom. They will be “held back a grade” and will have to go to a different planet to do remedial work at another High School of Love. When Jesus, Muhammed, Siddhartha Gautama the Buddha, and others said that there would be a day of judgment at the end of history, they were talking about the High School of Love on Earth’s graduation day that we are living through. It is here, but there is nothing to fear. Yes, only the evolved and pure will make it through to the University of Wisdom, but if you’re held back in High School you’ll probably go to a planet that is way less crazy than Earth is right now. When planets shift from the High School of Love to becoming a University of Wisdom, there is often chaos all around. This is meant to drive people to wake up, but it can be very intense.

But remember, we get the reality that matches our internal evolved state. Unfortunately many of the means for evolving have been purposefully hidden behind the glitz, glamour, and distraction of materialistic life. But they exist. One can still evolve to graduate to the University of Wisdom and stay on Earth going forward. But when one becomes a University student, one can leave Earth and travel to other planets, so your “home planet” loses significance. It’s a bit like Earth in the TV show Star Trek. Earth in that future reality is in its University of Wisdom phase, and so many other alien lifeforms can also be here. When a planet is still a High School of Love, there is a ban on aliens interfering with student life (with some exceptions). It’s like the “prime directive” on Star Trek where the Star Fleet officers can only go to the surface of planets openly if the planet has achieved “warp drive.” This is a good metaphor for reality. When a planetary society learns selfless love to a sufficient degree, they achieve “warp drive” and can then be visited.

So really, the focus right now should be too just work on love. What is love exactly? Love is the understanding that we are all united and are all fingers on one hand, joined by a uniting palm and arm. You are God, I am God, we are God. When I love others, I am loving myself. When I hoard wealth I am hoarding it from others (myself). When I do not share, I am depriving others (myself). And when you learn this lesson, the fear will drop away. But our society does not represent this reality. It is still obsessed with the idea of separation. So in order for the Earth to move to equality and love, there will be shocks to the system like covid, Trump, climate change, and more. If we could wake up to the truth that God is in everyone and so everyone should be honored, the shocks would not be necessary. But, mechanically, these catalyzing forces will keep happening until we wake up. But that’s just what life on Earth does. Grow or be challenged to grow. The age of being able to not grow is over.

Thank you God for listening. Yes, I’m talking to you. ☺️